These are the things stirring among us. I am honored to engage love, life and faith with such a brilliant heart and honest mind. With this one? I am challenged. - Lindsay/Bleeding Worship
No doubt, you've probably heard variations on truth and honesty. As such, you've also probably heard attempts to reconcile them in such a fashion that you could apply them correctly to your own life. I still have not heard a comprehensive reconciliation between these two concepts - the relationship between truth and honesty. I find that problematic.
My grandfather died on Easter Sunday in April of 2012. I loved that man and he loved me (in the fashion of a grizzled WWII veteran, of course). I didn't speak at his funeral, but my cousin did and he shared a few stories. As a child, he and his parents vacationed with our grandparents at a beach in New Jersey. Sometimes, he and our grandfather would walk together - just the two of them - and talk about things. One of the things he remembers our grandfather saying to him was, "Not everyone needs to know everything."
I love Depeche Mode. Granted, they are a bit sacrilegious, but appear rather timid next to bands like Slayer. One of my favorite songs is "The Policy of Truth." In short, the song talks about a friend of the singer who follows a strict tell-all policy in life. As it goes, this friend divulged some information and it bit him it the butt, so he's paying the price for adhering to this policy so rigidly. My favorite part of the song are these lyrics:
Now you're sitting there tongue-tied
You better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You'll see your problems multiply
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth
Now, initially, it appears that the singer is encouraging dishonesty because he uses the word "hide." One might argue that he is, in fact, advocating a sort of selective honesty, whereby self-preservation defines what and how much to say on any subject. I don't think he's talking about selective honesty at all. Instead, he's advocating discretion because not everyone needs to know everything.
Let's use a practical example to illustrate my point. Let's say you've got a rather sordid past. You've slept around. A lot. You have some mixed feelings about it, but you're not burdened with guilt. You've come to terms with it and it doesn't hold anything over your head anymore. You're in good shape. Now, let's say you meet someone and the two of you decide to get serious. Does your love interest need to know everything about your past? Does he or she need to know the people you slept with or the specifics about why you slept with them? Or can you just tell your love interest, "Hey, back in the day, I sowed a lot of wild oats. I kind of feel bad about it, but I'm not that way anymore." Are you lying to your hope-to-be lover? Are you being dishonest? Are you withholding yourself? No, of course not. Why? Because not everyone needs to know everything.
Here's the difference between truth and honesty. Truth is the existence of the irrefutable, undeniable, and inescapable. Honesty is the heart's expression of faithfulness and devotion to a cause, individual, relationship, or deity.
Truth is universal in nature and infinite in possibility. As it applies to individuals or as individuals seek it out, it becomes very specific and poignant, but never loses its overarching attributes. One might argue that this is a fancy way to describe perception. It isn't. Truth is an independent variable that simply exists. Deny it or accept it, know it or not know it, truth doesn't change. Instead, it just is. Furthermore, truth is neutral. God and Satan both use it. Think about it. God's biggest moments revolve around His use of truth in the lives of human beings and how it permanently changed their hearts, behavior, and circumstances for the better. On the other hand, Satan's best lies and biggest accomplishments successfully intertwined truth with fabrication and people believed him. How either entity uses truth is a direct reflection of their hearts, hence why God is honest and Satan is dishonest - the former uses truth to facilitate freedom and protect life, but the latter uses truth to facilitate slavery and collect power.
So, what does it mean to be honest? This is fun question because stereotypical church policy and stale-bread, watered-down Christian rubberstamp morals advocate that honest means this: As "good Christians," we must report all events of impropriety or immorality immediately and, furthermore, if we do not divulge everything we know at any point, we are dishonest because we either are outright lying or lying via omission. Sounds really familiar, doesn't it? It's a load of crap and, if you were verbally engaged in this topic with me, it would all pretty much be expletives. This definition is shallow, selfish, and, quite frankly, stupid. Really stupid. Why? There are two major reasons.
First, this definition avoids dealing with the complexity that inherently surrounds the human heart when it comes to the recognition and application of truth - i.e. honesty. In fact, it bypasses it all together. Honesty is an expression of the heart's faithfulness and devotion to someone or something. Honesty is a state of existence whereby the choices you make align with the people you love, the God you worship, and the causes you advocate. Honesty is the pursuit of truth with the intent to change - not because you are forced, but because you despise stagnation and want to grow. Honesty tackles the contradictions of life with courage and recognizes that conflictual truths can exist, sometimes in the same situation or relationship. Honesty seeks to live with integrity within the bearer's heart above all else. Honesty protects people and carries the burdens of knowledge with humility and dignity because not everyone needs to know everything.
Second, the church cliché of honesty is actually extremely selfish because it fears the burden of knowledge. It is riddled with a guilt-driven perception of the world in two ways. First, if you see something or know something, it's initially perceived as "bad" or "sinful" if you do not disclose it immediately and that concept of unspoken knowledge being somehow sinful or bad is stupid and, frankly, insulting. Just because I see something and refrain from saying anything doesn't mean I'm sinning or lying by omission. Second, by the cliché definition, the only reason to divulge information is to relieve yourself of responsibility and avoid feeling guilty. It makes no allowance for timing, another person's feelings, or relationships in general. Instead, it purely seeks the emotional appeasement of the knowledge bearer and the absolution of responsibility and guilt. This is not an expression of love. Instead, love holds knowledge and waits for the time to present it or it keeps that knowledge to itself, trusting God and making allowance for the lives and feelings of others. Why? Because not everyone needs to know everything.
Wisdom is the application of knowledge. Discernment is the timing of wisdom's knowledge. Discretion is the patience to wait on discernment's proper timing. Honesty is the expression of your heart as it seeks to utilize wisdom, discernment, and discretion. Think about it this way. Recently, I heard someone admit that he made a bad decision in his life and only now realized it. This person's friend wanted to warn him about it way back then, but felt extremely conflicted due to the relationship and the delicate nature of the situation, so he chose to refrain. After learning this information, the person who made the bad decision said to his friend, "I wouldn't have listened to you then anyway." Now, these two individuals enjoy greater freedom because, years after the fact, the truth is being spoken through honesty - on both their parts, exactly the way it needs to be for their relationship to improve.
It takes a strong heart to carry the burden associated with some pieces of knowledge. Not all things are meant to be spoken and, certainly, not all things are meant to be spoken immediately. If we love people, then we need to bear this in mind. This is not deception. Instead, it's the hard work associated with paying attention to another human being on a fairly intricate level. You learn a man and you learn how to talk to him. That's the point. Truth will always exist, whether you say it or not. Honesty is not the divulgence of secrets or knowledge to another person. Rather, it is the expression of the motivations in our heart as you relate to another person. A dishonest man will be dishonest, even if he tells you the truth. An honest man will be honest, even if he doesn't tell you anything. It's the heart, not the words. It's the timing, not the event. It's the compassion, not the guilt. It's the love, not the fear. Paying attention to people and their hearts is a far more noble and difficult endeavor than the selfishness associated with the vomitous regurgitation of information without thought or care to the person covered in puke, reeling from the stench of it.
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