Journey, Not Construct

…because I am no longer afraid

When I am pregnant and in the early months of caring for an infant, my body and heart go into auto-mode. And my soul - my brain and my spirit - shut down. I can only think inch-deep.

I am finally thinking again.

I have a lot to ponder; two and a half years worth of feelings and thoughts and sermons and circumstances and injustices and advice and experiences and memories and arguments and blessings and truths spoken to, at, for and around me.

My mind is busy; my spirit alive. I am fully engaged, for the first time in years or in some ways, for the first time ever. And I realize more and more that I am changed. I don’t think the same. What was common thought and response before 2009 is just not, now. Some things are more important, others less so. Something profound happened after I gave birth to Selah that impacted me so thoroughly and positively. I gained strength. I gleaned perspective and tenacity and a rock-hard inner peace from the reaping floor of that bloody birth room. I lost my edge, in the defensive way and gained an authority, the honest kind.

I am free.

I am free because I am no longer afraid (to generally quote V for Vendetta).

In this awakening of thought and soul, I have found old desires resurrecting and new chapters beginning. It’s an untangled web of interconnected threads. My heart feels like it is finally home. And unlike a building, the reconstruction of old foundations and cracked pillars, I am simply on a journey without construct. It is both exhilarating and terrifying. My Germanic (or evangelical Christian) need for order and rules and definition cries for perimeter to control my thoughts, lists to measure successes, and clarity to catalogue when I have failed.

I don’t know where this new path is taking me. But I am excited. And nervous. For the first time, I am questioning the entire box of religion and every system of control that has slithered its way into my life. Well, maybe this isn’t my first rodeo of questioning but it IS the first time I’ve questioned this deeply from a place of hope, not hate – relationship, not isolation. It’s quite beautiful here, in this place of free-seeking. I love life more when I get to wade in its pleasantries instead of discipline my way into its deep.

Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.

- Westminster Confession of Faith

Yes, thank you. I think I will.