Let's Talk About Sex...Post-Baby

I'm not sure you're supposed to talk about this stuff, especially in a blog - public or not - but in this over-sexualized culture, I'm convinced nothing I say here could possibly be THAT shocking. And seriously? I'm pretty sure I can't be the only mumma out there with these experiences and thoughts.

So here goes. Let's talk about sex...post-baby!

I'm 8 weeks postpartum and pronounced "fully healed" from the vaginal tares that came with birthing baby Selah. I remember thinking right after I had her, and then later saying as I was being stitched, that NOTHING would or should EVER go in or out of there again. It was weeks before I felt like I could walk without pain. So imagine my discomfort at even the thought of sex.

For the past few weeks, since my six-week appointment and birth control prescription fill, I've been attempting to mentally prepare myself for intimacy. I've been trying to think sexy thoughts and have forced myself to imagine that the milk leaking out of my breasts, the stretch marks across my belly and butt, and the extra layer of chubs across my, well, entire body isn't SO bad, isn't SO unappealing.

I've mentally planned to have a few glasses of wine and brace myself for a good time of foreplay before giving myself over to my husband. In my mind, we magically have a few free, care-free hours to really engage each other and reclaim "lost" territory. (literally and figuratively) But I've discovered lately that we are NEVER, EVER going to have a few casual hours for several more months (at least). So yesterday, I put the kids to bed, had two glasses of pino, and determined to JUST DO THIS THING!

Here's how it went; Kissing, kissing, hugs and rubs and "oh," Selah is awake. Kissing, kissing, here we go, "OH," Nico is giggling in his crib. Hugs, rubs, laugh a little nervous laugh, "OUCH," - like loosing your virginity all over again. Maybe more foreplay? "BAH," Selah is crying.
"Another time, hun?"

This is how it goes, I guess? We never quite made it.

We thought about trying again later that night, when the kids were more 'officially' down for the night. But with the exhaustion of the day behind us, all either of us wanted to do was sleep or physically/emotionally check out. This is pretty much the norm after 8:30pm. That, or Michael has a paper to write for school or a class to attend.

Today I'm thinking about all this and just wondering, when WILL be a good time? When will it be effortless and sexy and when will it feel good again? When will I have any sort of sex drive; when will I really WANT that part of my life back? When will I have the time AND energy to engage?

...like aligning the moon and starts and sun. There seems no light at the end of this tunnel. But we are just too tired to care about the dark.

Parenthood is hard. Marriage is even harder.

Balancing them both? *yawn*

Randoms (1)

I have to just get these things off my chest. They tickle my mind late at night and serve to distract me during the day. Sometimes it's the little lingering, unresolved thoughts that produce the most stress. At any rate... here are my "randoms."

• The book Babywise and its theories on raising children yells at me, in my head, just like my mothers critiques. I can ignore the "voices," disagree with them and even distance myself from them but they are always there. (telling me I'm not measuring up) I ask you, HOW CAN A BOOK have so much impact when I didn't follow it in the first place?



• Selah's hair is lightening. I'm scared she'll be blonde. I know this is insignificant but the color of a girls hair really does, I think, impact how others view them and therefore how they view themselves. I don't know what to do with a blonde daughter.



• My son is very, very naughty lately. I loose my temper with him and grow weary of his whining. His constant, constant pointing and whining. I need more grace for the "almost two's."



• I can't seem to find a babysitter for the ONE day I need to be in the office in order to keep my job. It's extremely part-time...maybe that is the problem? I have just a few weeks before I'm slated to return. What to do, what to do?



• I watched yet another drug bust outside my front door yesterday. I want to move and yet I'm growing closer and closer to all these wonderful moms that live next door, across the street, up the road from me. How much weight should "community" hold over such decisions?



• Speaking of weight, *sigh* I need to loose some. Or a lot. Breastfeeding is supposed to help and in truth, I am down almost 30 from pregnancy weight but I need, *NEED* to loose 30 more. (or more) This is always a struggle for me.



• Breastfeeding...evidently I make good milk. Selah is a chunky monkey. And wow, formula is so expensive but I still long for a day when I can go out for longer than 3 hours and not need to whip out a boob in public or worry that Selah won't take a bottle or feel like my boobs are going to fall off due to engorgement. It's a season...I know this, but for me, it's a hard one. I don't gush over breastfeeding like some women do. It's more like a form of slavery to me, as Sarkozy called it recently.



• I've missed another fall season. Having newborns late summer/early fall two years in a row...makes fall a blur. And it's my favorite of the seasons which makes me sad. Old Man Winter is almost here again and I'm just not sure I can endure another hard Pittsburgh winter. The grey skies are SO DEPRESSING!



• I started a Read The Bible In A Year program two weeks ago and got through 4 days. And now that I've "failed" I don't want to start again because it'll be too much make-up reading for my little, mommybrain mind to manage. I hate failure. I'm mad at myself.



• I'm going to Play Space today for the first time - and will be meeting more moms in the area and affiliated with my church. This always scares me. Motherhood has a way of opening up some of the cruelest judgement. I'm going to write about this more because it's such a HARD thing right now for me but I'll just say this for now, parenting styles have a way of destroying relationships or bonding friends closer and closer together. How can it be so dividing? Who cares if I breastfeed or sleep train or use cloth diapers or when I potty train my child? I mean, really? But evidently, it does to LOTS and LOTS of people. I both crave and fear meeting other mothers.

Gotta run. This concludes my vent session for the month. (or the day)