I'm not sure you're supposed to talk about this stuff, especially in a blog - public or not - but in this over-sexualized culture, I'm convinced nothing I say here could possibly be THAT shocking. And seriously? I'm pretty sure I can't be the only mumma out there with these experiences and thoughts.
So here goes. Let's talk about sex...post-baby!
I'm 8 weeks postpartum and pronounced "fully healed" from the vaginal tares that came with birthing baby Selah. I remember thinking right after I had her, and then later saying as I was being stitched, that NOTHING would or should EVER go in or out of there again. It was weeks before I felt like I could walk without pain. So imagine my discomfort at even the thought of sex.
For the past few weeks, since my six-week appointment and birth control prescription fill, I've been attempting to mentally prepare myself for intimacy. I've been trying to think sexy thoughts and have forced myself to imagine that the milk leaking out of my breasts, the stretch marks across my belly and butt, and the extra layer of chubs across my, well, entire body isn't SO bad, isn't SO unappealing.
I've mentally planned to have a few glasses of wine and brace myself for a good time of foreplay before giving myself over to my husband. In my mind, we magically have a few free, care-free hours to really engage each other and reclaim "lost" territory. (literally and figuratively) But I've discovered lately that we are NEVER, EVER going to have a few casual hours for several more months (at least). So yesterday, I put the kids to bed, had two glasses of pino, and determined to JUST DO THIS THING!
Here's how it went; Kissing, kissing, hugs and rubs and "oh," Selah is awake. Kissing, kissing, here we go, "OH," Nico is giggling in his crib. Hugs, rubs, laugh a little nervous laugh, "OUCH," - like loosing your virginity all over again. Maybe more foreplay? "BAH," Selah is crying.
"Another time, hun?"
This is how it goes, I guess? We never quite made it.
We thought about trying again later that night, when the kids were more 'officially' down for the night. But with the exhaustion of the day behind us, all either of us wanted to do was sleep or physically/emotionally check out. This is pretty much the norm after 8:30pm. That, or Michael has a paper to write for school or a class to attend.
Today I'm thinking about all this and just wondering, when WILL be a good time? When will it be effortless and sexy and when will it feel good again? When will I have any sort of sex drive; when will I really WANT that part of my life back? When will I have the time AND energy to engage?
...like aligning the moon and starts and sun. There seems no light at the end of this tunnel. But we are just too tired to care about the dark.
Parenthood is hard. Marriage is even harder.
Balancing them both? *yawn*
3 comments:
I have three girls that are 5 1/2,
2 1/2, and 3 months. My husband works 12 hour shifts from 7:00 in the morning till 7:00 at night. Takes him an hour each way to go and leave work. Are two older kids are very energetic. So I understand what you are talking about not really having any energy to have the moments together. So some advice DONT ever plan on having sex it does not work. Spontaniouse sex is way better you never know when it is going to happen trust me just make sure that the kids are well to do and then just go with it. It will bring you back from when you first got together you now wayback in the day when you could not keep your hands off each other. Its amazing and you will feel so good afterwards. Thats what my husband and I do and it does not effect the kids and keeps your marriage healthy. :)
Any sex, the start the stop or the finish as long as you continue to talk, try, engage and love, marriage I believe will be everlasting *sigh*.
Hi Lindsay,
Thank you for your honesty. I am expecting and cannot engage intimately anymore till after my son is born. I have not even considered what to do when we can have a sex life again.
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