Journey, Not Construct

…because I am no longer afraid

When I am pregnant and in the early months of caring for an infant, my body and heart go into auto-mode. And my soul - my brain and my spirit - shut down. I can only think inch-deep.

I am finally thinking again.

I have a lot to ponder; two and a half years worth of feelings and thoughts and sermons and circumstances and injustices and advice and experiences and memories and arguments and blessings and truths spoken to, at, for and around me.

My mind is busy; my spirit alive. I am fully engaged, for the first time in years or in some ways, for the first time ever. And I realize more and more that I am changed. I don’t think the same. What was common thought and response before 2009 is just not, now. Some things are more important, others less so. Something profound happened after I gave birth to Selah that impacted me so thoroughly and positively. I gained strength. I gleaned perspective and tenacity and a rock-hard inner peace from the reaping floor of that bloody birth room. I lost my edge, in the defensive way and gained an authority, the honest kind.

I am free.

I am free because I am no longer afraid (to generally quote V for Vendetta).

In this awakening of thought and soul, I have found old desires resurrecting and new chapters beginning. It’s an untangled web of interconnected threads. My heart feels like it is finally home. And unlike a building, the reconstruction of old foundations and cracked pillars, I am simply on a journey without construct. It is both exhilarating and terrifying. My Germanic (or evangelical Christian) need for order and rules and definition cries for perimeter to control my thoughts, lists to measure successes, and clarity to catalogue when I have failed.

I don’t know where this new path is taking me. But I am excited. And nervous. For the first time, I am questioning the entire box of religion and every system of control that has slithered its way into my life. Well, maybe this isn’t my first rodeo of questioning but it IS the first time I’ve questioned this deeply from a place of hope, not hate – relationship, not isolation. It’s quite beautiful here, in this place of free-seeking. I love life more when I get to wade in its pleasantries instead of discipline my way into its deep.

Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.

- Westminster Confession of Faith

Yes, thank you. I think I will.

The Policy of Truth

The Difference Between Truth and Honesty by guest writer, M.T. Flickinger

These are the things stirring among us. I am honored to engage love, life and faith with such a brilliant heart and honest mind. With this one? I am challenged.  - Lindsay/Bleeding Worship

No doubt, you've probably heard variations on truth and honesty. As such, you've also probably heard attempts to reconcile them in such a fashion that you could apply them correctly to your own life. I still have not heard a comprehensive reconciliation between these two concepts - the relationship between truth and honesty. I find that problematic.

My grandfather died on Easter Sunday in April of 2012. I loved that man and he loved me (in the fashion of a grizzled WWII veteran, of course). I didn't speak at his funeral, but my cousin did and he shared a few stories. As a child, he and his parents vacationed with our grandparents at a beach in New Jersey. Sometimes, he and our grandfather would walk together - just the two of them - and talk about things. One of the things he remembers our grandfather saying to him was, "Not everyone needs to know everything."

I love Depeche Mode. Granted, they are a bit sacrilegious, but appear rather timid next to bands like Slayer. One of my favorite songs is "The Policy of Truth." In short, the song talks about a friend of the singer who follows a strict tell-all policy in life. As it goes, this friend divulged some information and it bit him it the butt, so he's paying the price for adhering to this policy so rigidly. My favorite part of the song are these lyrics:

Now you're sitting there tongue-tied

You better learn your lesson well

Hide what you have to hide

And tell what you have to tell

You'll see your problems multiply

If you continually decide

To faithfully pursue

The policy of truth

Now, initially, it appears that the singer is encouraging dishonesty because he uses the word "hide." One might argue that he is, in fact, advocating a sort of selective honesty, whereby self-preservation defines what and how much to say on any subject. I don't think he's talking about selective honesty at all. Instead, he's advocating discretion because not everyone needs to know everything.

Let's use a practical example to illustrate my point. Let's say you've got a rather sordid past. You've slept around. A lot. You have some mixed feelings about it, but you're not burdened with guilt. You've come to terms with it and it doesn't hold anything over your head anymore. You're in good shape. Now, let's say you meet someone and the two of you decide to get serious. Does your love interest need to know everything about your past? Does he or she need to know the people you slept with or the specifics about why you slept with them? Or can you just tell your love interest, "Hey, back in the day, I sowed a lot of wild oats. I kind of feel bad about it, but I'm not that way anymore." Are you lying to your hope-to-be lover? Are you being dishonest? Are you withholding yourself? No, of course not. Why? Because not everyone needs to know everything.

Here's the difference between truth and honesty. Truth is the existence of the irrefutable, undeniable, and inescapable. Honesty is the heart's expression of faithfulness and devotion to a cause, individual, relationship, or deity.

Truth is universal in nature and infinite in possibility. As it applies to individuals or as individuals seek it out, it becomes very specific and poignant, but never loses its overarching attributes. One might argue that this is a fancy way to describe perception. It isn't. Truth is an independent variable that simply exists. Deny it or accept it, know it or not know it, truth doesn't change. Instead, it just is. Furthermore, truth is neutral. God and Satan both use it. Think about it. God's biggest moments revolve around His use of truth in the lives of human beings and how it permanently changed their hearts, behavior, and circumstances for the better. On the other hand, Satan's best lies and biggest accomplishments successfully intertwined truth with fabrication and people believed him. How either entity uses truth is a direct reflection of their hearts, hence why God is honest and Satan is dishonest - the former uses truth to facilitate freedom and protect life, but the latter uses truth to facilitate slavery and collect power.

So, what does it mean to be honest? This is fun question because stereotypical church policy and stale-bread, watered-down Christian rubberstamp morals advocate that honest means this: As "good Christians," we must report all events of impropriety or immorality immediately and, furthermore, if we do not divulge everything we know at any point, we are dishonest because we either are outright lying or lying via omission. Sounds really familiar, doesn't it? It's a load of crap and, if you were verbally engaged in this topic with me, it would all pretty much be expletives. This definition is shallow, selfish, and, quite frankly, stupid. Really stupid. Why? There are two major reasons.

First, this definition avoids dealing with the complexity that inherently surrounds the human heart when it comes to the recognition and application of truth - i.e. honesty. In fact, it bypasses it all together. Honesty is an expression of the heart's faithfulness and devotion to someone or something. Honesty is a state of existence whereby the choices you make align with the people you love, the God you worship, and the causes you advocate. Honesty is the pursuit of truth with the intent to change - not because you are forced, but because you despise stagnation and want to grow. Honesty tackles the contradictions of life with courage and recognizes that conflictual truths can exist, sometimes in the same situation or relationship. Honesty seeks to live with integrity within the bearer's heart above all else. Honesty protects people and carries the burdens of knowledge with humility and dignity because not everyone needs to know everything.

Second, the church cliché of honesty is actually extremely selfish because it fears the burden of knowledge. It is riddled with a guilt-driven perception of the world in two ways. First, if you see something or know something, it's initially perceived as "bad" or "sinful" if you do not disclose it immediately and that concept of unspoken knowledge being somehow sinful or bad is stupid and, frankly, insulting. Just because I see something and refrain from saying anything doesn't mean I'm sinning or lying by omission. Second, by the cliché definition, the only reason to divulge information is to relieve yourself of responsibility and avoid feeling guilty. It makes no allowance for timing, another person's feelings, or relationships in general. Instead, it purely seeks the emotional appeasement of the knowledge bearer and the absolution of responsibility and guilt. This is not an expression of love. Instead, love holds knowledge and waits for the time to present it or it keeps that knowledge to itself, trusting God and making allowance for the lives and feelings of others. Why? Because not everyone needs to know everything.

Wisdom is the application of knowledge. Discernment is the timing of wisdom's knowledge. Discretion is the patience to wait on discernment's proper timing. Honesty is the expression of your heart as it seeks to utilize wisdom, discernment, and discretion. Think about it this way. Recently, I heard someone admit that he made a bad decision in his life and only now realized it. This person's friend wanted to warn him about it way back then, but felt extremely conflicted due to the relationship and the delicate nature of the situation, so he chose to refrain. After learning this information, the person who made the bad decision said to his friend, "I wouldn't have listened to you then anyway." Now, these two individuals enjoy greater freedom because, years after the fact, the truth is being spoken through honesty - on both their parts, exactly the way it needs to be for their relationship to improve.

It takes a strong heart to carry the burden associated with some pieces of knowledge. Not all things are meant to be spoken and, certainly, not all things are meant to be spoken immediately. If we love people, then we need to bear this in mind. This is not deception. Instead, it's the hard work associated with paying attention to another human being on a fairly intricate level. You learn a man and you learn how to talk to him. That's the point. Truth will always exist, whether you say it or not. Honesty is not the divulgence of secrets or knowledge to another person. Rather, it is the expression of the motivations in our heart as you relate to another person. A dishonest man will be dishonest, even if he tells you the truth. An honest man will be honest, even if he doesn't tell you anything. It's the heart, not the words. It's the timing, not the event. It's the compassion, not the guilt. It's the love, not the fear. Paying attention to people and their hearts is a far more noble and difficult endeavor than the selfishness associated with the vomitous regurgitation of information without thought or care to the person covered in puke, reeling from the stench of it.

Randoms (6)

I have get these things off my chest. They tickle my mind late at night and serve to distract me during the day. Sometimes it's the little lingering, unresolved thoughts that produce the most stress. At any rate... here are my "randoms," part six.

• Yesterday was my first day as a stay-at-home mom.  I originally anticipated Monday being my first day, but my family hated my oatmeal, I did not work out, or go to the park and then I stayed up really late talking with husband and drinking wine.  YES, yesterday was a better day to officially begin...with fresh muffins made, a coffee and play date with friends complete, a walk to the park - check, my workout finished and a healthful dinner on the table when Michael came home...   I'm all about solid beginnings. 
• I finally celebrated my 30th birthday (un-pregnant) this weekend.  I haven't been really able to count myself 32 until I officially partied.  I know, what am I? 21?  NO, clearly.  But I'm just the kind of person who needs to celebrate milestones with significant friends and family and, wine.  It was a lovely weekend marked by life-changing conversations. I really do have beautiful, life-giving, honest, intelligent friends.  I am blessed. And now I can really begin my 30's, or begin again. 
• I began strong with my #30DayShred micro-blog on twitter (cityflicker) but puttered out this weekend while a friend was in town and parties were had.  I started again yesterday but I'm really bad at new, new beginnings.  I abhor starting after failing.  Time to get over myself, I suppose.
• I'm truly hating this workout experience.  I'm simply not motivated by a man-woman screaming at me and telling me I'm pathetic if I can't do 30 push-ups.  I just don't get off on negative re-enforcement. I already think I'm pathetic in this realm.  Thanks Julian, for confirming the obvious.  I'll be excited when this is over and I can re-join weight watchers and loose weight and maintain body image issues on my own terms.  Why I try to be something I'm not, only to become discouraged at failure, is beyond me. 
• It's finally sinking in that Michael is done (DUN) with grad school. It's great having him around and I'm getting quite used to his help and his desire to give me freedom after 6pm. I feel lucky to have a man who fathers because he loves his children.  It's not babysitting; it's parenthood. Also, he vacuums. And does laundry. And makes breakfast every morning. In these ways, he's a little like my father. Engaged. I adore him and am proud to be his wife. I wouldn't want anyone else to father these babies.
• Father's Day was slightly anti-climatic, except the ribs. Oh the ribs.  YUM.  We had a busy, wonderful weekend and for that I am happy but I felt slightly pathetic. I didn't even really get him a CARD. Oh well, we go on a date tonight and the family women got him and the guys Pirate tickets so the men can go watch the Pirate's loose (oops, I mean, win?).  That should be a good time.  (My contribution is the tailgate food & beer.  Any ideas?)
• Change is coming for the CityFlickers, folks. I can feel it in my bones.  There is movement happening all around us and while change is hard, it is also exciting. 
• I feel obligated to warn you, some interesting posts are coming your way. I had a friend tell me once that she no longer prescribes to any religion and at the time, I found it odd.  I find it less odd today than I did then.  I find it less odd today than I did a week ago.  Religion. Faith expressions. Morality. Right and wrong. Censorship. Self-imposed regulations. Comparison. Being loved outside of the institution. Systems. Winning favor. Church, oh CHURCH! ...Jerusalem, Oh JERUSALEM, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.  Enough said for now.
• Having a date night tonight. I'm very excited.
• It is hot as hades. I literally cannot go outside.  Neither the children nor I do well in the heat.  AC all the way, baby!

Have a good week.

Why Church People Suck; My Jesus Face

I’m talking about myself too, on some level. Because, we all do it. This thing – being fake by putting on the front we think people want to see, the face we think Jesus most adores.

I was part of a small group a few years back. And to be honest, I did not connect deeply or even LIKE many of the people I met. I always felt like a misfit, like if I really shared what I thought I’d be judged. Being on staff at the church made it worse. Church leadership is inherently isolating, but that topic is for another day.

Fast-forward a few years … I had my first baby and desperately needed to connect with other moms. I found myself reconnecting with a few people from that small group only this time, it wasn’t over sermon discussions or even intentionally faith-based. Instead, we bonded together over our new common link, motherhood. I quickly found that the pseudo-honest conversations we had partaken in from years past were leveled. Motherhood stripped away all pretenses. We were in this thing, together. Bonded over breast-milk and teething and sex with our husbands post-baby. Discussion points weren’t dictated by a sermon or administrated by a question-sheet. It was life, lived, together. These are some of my favorite people now.

Someone close to me went through a pretty awful lawsuit many years ago. Christian on Christian violence. The defendant of this suite was baffled. He had attended church with the plaintiff for a decade, knew him as an elder and spiritual leader and yet here he was, being sued by his old Christian mentor. In discussing the situation with a trusted Christian businessman, the defendant shared how blindsided he was by the discrepancy in the plaintiff’s outward lifestyle and supposed sense of morality when the truth of the matter was clearly, entirely different. The wise businessman, listening, asked if the defendant had ever WORKED with this person before going into business with him. In response, the defendant revealed that the only context in which he knew the plaintiff was in church. The wise man shook his head and said; that’s never enough. He began to share his experiences and instructed the defendant with this; you must work with someone – see how they really are, how they live life outside of church before you can trust the integrity of their character.

Character isn’t tested inside the temple. It is rare that within the confines of a worship service the intentions of the heart would be publically exposed.

We go to church to worship and be inspired in our faith journey but when it comes to growing together spiritually, it’s often, simply, shallow. Part of the inherent problem with trying to find friends based solely off of spiritual connection is, we’re all striving toward being somebody else. Jesus…or our perception of Him. There is therfore an element of striving to be higher than you really are involved in those connections. People struggle with being. As they are. As I am. We’re supposed to be transparent but without perfection, there is judgment implied.

We put on our Jesus Face. And sadly, none of us really look like Him anyway.

I’m not picking on anyone here. If it isn’t clear, please understand – I have my Jesus Face too. I can play church like the best of them. It takes concerted effort and an almost –I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK- attitude for me to just, BE. Me. Oh, I know others who do it better, whose masks are thicker and harder to crack. My point is, I think we ALL do it. We talk christianese at church and keep cuss words for the car ride home. We sip our special small group coffee and keep our wine and cigs behind closed doors. (Or outside, for when the kids go to bed. *ducks*)

I don’t fault the Church for this. Faith isn’t really the problem.

People are. You are. I am. Together, we can be crazy. And what I really mean is, FAKE AS HELL! This is why church people suck. When we get together, we change ourselves to be something and when we do that, it’s impossible to connect. Shallow water is good for very little.

Did Jesus find any of His closest friends at Temple? Did He go searching for a small group of like-minded individuals to be in his special network? No. He found people that were already living life – fishermen, a doctor, a tax accountant, etc. And some of these people were already doing life TOGETHER. He chose people who were un-churched and worldly. I’m willing to bet that one of the reasons He did this was because He knew they’d more easily follow and learn without all the church pretenses. They were not Pharisees; they were not church leaders. They did not have a Jesus Face. But they sure knew how to break bread together.

When it comes to really knowing people, we have to do life with each other. And that doesn’t mean an hour a week of prayer and sermon discussion. I think if it doesn’t go any deeper, it’s perpetuating the façade – the very thing that is turning 30-somethings away from Christianity by the droves.

People, we have to get the hell out of church and do a work project with our neighbors. Let's raise our babies with other parents. Have a beer and talk shop. Go grocery shopping and have a community barn-raising. What small groups do in five years, just 'doing the damn thing' of life does in 6 months. I think it’s foolish to believe real relationships are made in church. We are asking too much and expecting too little, unfairly.

Put away the Jesus Face. Because I’m pretty sure He sees your real face and thinks it’s, beautiful. I bet your friends will too.