Impressions & Their Catch 22's

 I'm always amazed when I'm wrong

...when it comes to people.

As narcissistic and conceited as that sounds, I pride myself in being a decent judge of character. And yet, I have been wrong more that I have been right. Why I'm ever shocked at the amazing capabilities of a person or the crappy character some people possess, is a quandary. I've seen a lot. I've been burned, badly. But I've also been blessed, beyond measure. 

Relationships are like that, if you allow them in. They can take you by surprise.

I don't know if it's my current stage in life (motherhood) or that I'm nearing my mid-thirties (yikes!!), but I've learned a lot about impressions - to listen to them sometimes and hold them loosely other times. What might first rear its (ugly or beautiful) head may not be true to the whole of the person. Here are just a few ways I'm learning to differentiate between the two.

Sometimes the warning signs that declare a person judgmental and capable of totally misunderstanding me are absolutely true. I was recently horribly misquoted in a meeting, based off a blog I wrote a year ago, and instead of being asked to clarify, was judged to have intentions and motives I simply never had. Mind you, I wasn't even AT the meeting. Sometimes, the hair on the back of my neck stands on edge when I hear people give strict commentary on alcohol use or women's right or certain parenting styles or racial issues. Sometimes I simply know, if they believe that, they'll never truly see, understand or even like me. Most of the time, I am happy to have made the initial boundary. For all parties involved. Because I usually lack the grace to shut my mouth. 

Sometimes though, the warning signs that declare a person judgmental and capable of totally misunderstanding me are, simply, wrong. I know that I have made countless snap judgments about a person based on a passing comment, where they attend church, their education, life decisions or what they wore last Tuesday.  I am hard-wired to do this. I don't apologize for being socially observant. But I am learning that I am a fallible observer, capable of great insight as well as terrible blind spots. People can make a closed-minded, conservative comment about a random subject but in fact, be quite liberal. I should know; I've been misunderstood as a conservative, Bible beating Evangelical on more than one occasion.

But these examples are trivial, really. They come down to preferences and social situations and time management and how annoyed I want or don't want to be on any given day. These situations deal with my feathers being ruffled, not my heart being broken. There is a difference between the possibility of being pissed off and the feasibility of being totally fucked over. In these situations, I am learning to proceed with caution. (Confession; my yellow lights are usually blinking the fastest in church.. I blogged about this here.)

The more difficult warning signs are the ones that point to real danger. These are the kinds of first impressions that are 99% accurate, valuable and should be immediately obeyed. With my children, I listen to these warnings. With myself, I generally have not. But I am getting better.

I have a friend that was mugged after walking out of her apartment, seeing a man coming toward her car, feeling endangered but for a litany of reasons (not wanting to racially profile or gender stereotype or deal with a world that so often makes women, victims) did not listen to her impressions. She was forced to the ground at gun point and fortunately just had her purse (and sense of safety) stolen. It could have been worse. But it could have never happened had she listened to herself. 

There are also more prevalent examples of emotional cautions we receive and should listen to, but often ignore. For whatever reason, I believe we are all susceptible to a certain kind of unhealthy personality type. For instance, highly controlling and charismatic people, usually in positions of authority, are a weak spot for me. Even when I get chills of terror and dread when interacting with them, I am like a moth to the flame. (I'll leave the psychoanalysis on my weakness for another post or two.) My point is, it is wise to listen to those warnings. I have made real strides toward guarding my heart in this way, but I am still susceptible. We all need to evaluate our history of relationships. Where there is a negative pattern, we should learn to RUN LIKE HELL away from the personality type who gives us warning. I wish my friend cared more about herself at that time than being politically correct. I wish I would have cared more in previous year about my heart than I've cared about snuggling up to perceived power. 

In my teen years and into my twenties, I often found myself diving right into relationships without any guard, blindly trusting that the system (school/work/church) I was giving myself to would discern for me. I was always quite surprised when a person I implicitly trusted rejected or betrayed me. It's only in the past several years that I have started to outgrow this and proceed more responsibly. Where every previous relationship encounter registered green, I now read yellow or red. I simply need to see more about a person before green is given because I am often so wrong. 

And I guess that's the thing.  It really is a learning experience that's tapered to the individuals we meet within the context of our own life's history.  We use the past to help us gauge the present and the future, but people sometimes surprise.  And sometimes they don't. But this is the catch 22 - We are right. We are wrong. Regardless, we need to listen and learn the difference between what is deserving of a yellow warning and what is a red warning. Unfortunately, practice makes perfect. I guess by the time I'm 40, I'll no longer be caught off guard.