Ugly Boxes of Precedent

I’m struggling with “precedent” lately. Things that have been demonstrated again and again, over time, can quickly become the norm regardless of how abnormal it REALLY is. Labels, identity, expectations – the very essence of how we engage ourselves and others is often built upon the foundation of Precedent. Here are three ugly ones I am struggling to overcome.

1. Ever since I can remember, there was a lingering precedent that I am “invalid” – that I am a troublemaking, exaggerative, dramatic, not-to-be-taken-seriously girl. Some of that was merited, especially as a young teen, but it’s left me truly believing at times that I shouldn’t expect to be taken seriously. I rarely even demand it anymore. It’s hard to shake labels when even those closest to you disbelieve you and disregard your thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I used to think, if I get married and have babies, I’ll be taken seriously. And then when that proved to be bunk, if I have a natural birth and breastfeed perfectly, I’ll be supermom and gain some respect. Not so. And now, I find myself sometimes thinking, if I make a lot of money (aka, had a real “career" vs. working in a church) – maybe then I'll change Precedent. Obviously a pipe dream.

2. Since I’ve had children, I’ve had these amazing women offer to babysit on occasion from church. They want to hang out with my kids! But I struggle to BELIEVE them. Because Precedent in my family structure communicates a.) that kids are an annoying obligation b.) that babysitting is laborious c.) that watching children isn’t something the generation ahead of me SHOULD EVER HAVE to do. Michael and I hardly ever go out together because of this and I find myself aching for time with my husband outside of diapers and bedtime. Despite the offers from kind hearts, Precedent dictates and I am often left isolated, fending for myself.

3. I also have this notion that lots and lots of men, especially over 65, are child molesters because Precedent says, Older men can’t be trusted. Older men who take an interest in babies and children are f*ed up in the head. I suspected this overreaching fear would come up more so as Selah grew up a little, but after the 20,000th Catholic Priest incident hit the news and the recent Penn State scandal, I’ve been more and more alerted with regard to Nico. Just the other day at the park, this guy kept getting closer and closer to Nico with his dog. Like, enticing him because Nico LOVES puppies. He was a pretty nice guy who lives in the neighborhood but the questions crossed my mind; is he trying to win Nico’s favor? Why is he getting so close? I mean, I was WITH a friend and her toddler. I guarantee she thought nothing of this guy. But I did. He creeped me out a little. As someone with sexual abuse in my past, Precedent calls for the distrust of most men.

I’ve overcome a lot of labels in my life, so I know the battle that lies ahead of me. I know setting boundaries is difficult, especially when they’ve been walked over enough times to call my heart a crosswalk. There are elements here in these three paragraphs that I’ve grown to believe about myself and others that are just plain unhealthy. And wrong. Knowledge is power, but it’s hard to get out of boxes when it’s all you’ve really known. It’s hard to set new standards, when life lessons have taught you otherwise. It’s quite shocking to truly embrace God’s identity; how HE says life should work and how relationships should be structured when so many experiences say otherwise.

Part of the beautiful challenge of 'engaged parenting' is not letting negative precedents get recycled; dealing with my shit before my shit deals with me and affects my children. It’s a MAD DASH to work on ME, when suddenly the focus is about cultivating these two little hearts and minds to know God’s love and purposes for their lives.

I keep layering my negative experiences overtop of life. Instead, I need to layer Truth – the affirmations Scripture declares – over the shit people say or have done or are still doing that contradict true love, real grace, and relentless hope. I can’t win favor by trying to be someone else. I can’t say I want community, but distrust the motives of every single person. I can’t go around thinking every 65 year old man is a molester. I want to LISTEN to my God-given instincts, not those dictated by Precedent. I want to be safe. Safe over sorry. But not paranoid. I want to live in balance. I want to get out of these boxes. And I want to live life to the fullest. For me. For these babies. For my God.

But right now, as these issues show their ugly faces, I admit - I don’t know where to start. I don't know what boundaries to set and how that plays out in real life (vs. the written one). But something I do know; I have to be the one who changes. I can't expect anyone else to. I can't salvage unhealthy relationships if the 'other side' is unwilling to change.

With God's grace and His constant, vigilant desire to see me free.; I will overcome. I will get out.

I Get Out by Lauren Hill:
I get out, I get out of all your boxesI get out, you can't hold me in these chainsI'll get outFather free me from this bondageKnowin' my conditionIs the reason I must change[Verse 1]Your stinkin' resolutionIs no type of solutionPreventin' me from freedomMaintainin' your pollutionI won't support your lie no moreI won't even try no moreIf I have to die, oh LordThat's how I choose to liveI won't be compromised no moreI can't be victimised no moreI just don't sympathize no moreCause now I understandYou just wanna use meYou say "love" then abuse meYou never thought you'd loose meBut how quickly we forgetThat nothin' is for certainYou thought I'd stay here hurtin'Your guilt trip's just not workin'Repressin' me to deathCause now I'm choosin' life, yoI take the sacrifice, yoIf everything must go, then goThat's how I choose to live[Pause][Singing rest of Verse 1]That's how I choose to live...Hehehehe, awhhNo more compromisesI see past your disguisesBlindin' through mind controlStealin' my eternal soulAppealin' through materialTo keep me as your slave[Singing Chorus]But I get outOh, I get out of all your boxesI get outOh, you can't hold me in these chainsI'll get outOh, I want out of social bondageKnowin' my conditionOh, is the reason I must change[Singing Verse 2]See, what you see is what you getOh, and you ain't seen nothin' yetOh, I don't care if you're upsetI could care less if you're upsetSee it don't change the truthAnd your hurt feeling's no excuseTo keep me in this boxPsychological locksRepressin' true expressionCementin' this repressionPromotin' mass deceptionSo that no one can be healedI don't respect your systemI won't protect your systemWhen you talk I don't listenOh, let my Father's will be done[Singing Chorus]And just get outOh, just get out of all these bondageJust get outOh, you can't hold me in chainsJust get outAll these traditions killin' freedomKnowin' my conditionIs the reason I must change[Singing Verse 3]I've just accepted what you saidKeepin' me among the deadThe only way to knowIs to walk then learn and growBut faith is not your speedOh, you've had everyone believedThat you're the sole authorityJust follow the majorityAfraid to face realityThe system is a jokeOh, you'd be smart to save your soulOh, when escape is mind controlYou spent your life in sacrificeTo a system for the deadOh, are you sure...Where is the passion in this livingAre you sure it's God you servin'Obligated to a systemGetting less then you're deservingWho made up these schools, I sayWho made up these rules, I sayAnimal conditioningOh, just to keep us as a slave[Singing Chorus]Oh, just get outOf this social purgatoryJust get outAll these traditions are a lieJust get outSuperstition killing freedomKnowin' my conditionIs the reason I must dieJust get outJust get outJust get outLet's get outLet's get outKnowin' my conditionIs the reason I must dieJust get out