Randoms (2)

I have to just get these things off my chest. They tickle my mind late at night and serve to distract me during the day. Sometimes it's the little lingering, unresolved thoughts that produce the most stress. At any rate... here are my "randoms," part two.

• I have two children. I know, I'm stating the obvious but sometimes it really hits me. I'm a MOM! Of two KIDS. Suddenly I blinked and gave birth to two humans and now I'm in the throws of parenting. I feel old, like I've lived a thousand years. I'm just THAT tired. But sometimes I feel really, really young. Like it should still be 1995 and I should still be at Allard Park as a 15 year old, getting high behind the monkey bars and giggling on the swings while listening to Candlebox. The adjustment is still quite shocking. I'm still getting used to being MARRIED!



• Someone recently encouraged me to just dig my heals in and go with my decision on a certain subject and it struck me as really, really odd. As an analytical person, I can't imagine digging my heals into any idea or behavior or choice. I have found that it's just when I do that very thing that the bottom drops and I'm left whirling and confused. Or regretting my proclamation and subscription to the idea. I've discovered a few things in life that are sure to happen; number one - things change! I think every season and personal choice should come with introspection and analyzation. It's unhealthy for people to skip emotional, spiritual or practical inventory. I want to be someone who evolves and rolls with the changes, not a person stuck in my own pride-filled-heel-digs. Life is too short not to be a little fluid.



• Speaking of fluid; Selah is now taking a bottle. I find this remarkable because her new babysitter taught her in just one day. It's literally miraculous because we were all praying. Yes, it was THAT big of a deal to us. And then Selah just DID IT! God and her babysitter...miracle workers!



• Selah is also rolling now. All over the place. Well, only really from her back to her tummy and then getting stuck. It's quite cute. My sister reminded me that from here on out, it's pretty much: roll, sit, eat, crawl, walk *BLINK* one year old birthday party! Sometimes (late at night, early in the morning when I'm tired and sick of breastfeeding) I wish her baby days away. I wish for a sleep-through-the-night, off-the-boob, somewhat-independent daughter. But I am reminded that these days really, really do go so fast. And it's not like the toddler days are EASY. *sigh* With every stage comes blessing and hardship.



• Nico is a wild man. He wants to wrestle everyone (sister included). He wants to climb and jump and fall and hit and throw. When Michael is gone all day and all night (work and school), I try to get down on the ground and "play" with him. I usually get up in three minutes with some injury. My role is not daddy. Clearly, he needs man-time already!



• I was watching You've Got Mail for the 1,000 time recently and was HIT OVER THE HEAD with Meg Ryan's character asking her boyfriend about her role as a children's bookstore owner. She asked, "I mean, what IS it that I DO exactly? All I REALLY DO is run a book story." It's been resonating with me ever since, bouncing around my thoughts and hitting me over the head on occasion with regard to my work. What is it that I DO exactly? I manage little projects and coordinate the right people to accomplish tasks. I delegate and get projects complete. I manage social media sites and link people together. Yes. But what is that I DO that is unique and challenging and marketable? Not a whole hell of a lot, really. I've been feeling extremely replaceable lately. Like I should probably step down and let someone with REAL skills do my job - someone who can ALSO technically manage things like websites and digital signage and wires and techy stuff that hurts my head just thinking about. I have vision but lack pretty much every skill set required to implement. So what is is that I DO exactly? *sigh*



• I auditioned for a play/musical for Lent a few weeks ago with the Sewickley Choir Institute. I got casted in a decent role too. And then I realized, there was NO way I could make all those rehearsals and 13 performances with a baby on the boob, a husband in grad school, a house, a job and a marriage. I had to back out and it broke my heart a little bit. I MISS the escape of acting. And singing. I've never been the greatest at these crafts but I enjoy them very much. It occurred to me that in this season of life, my needs really do come last. I say this not as a martyr but as someone facing the reality of my life. For the next few months, our priorities are ranked in such a way that me finding outlet in theater is almost absurd. This is hard for me. I'm not naturally selfless. (ha!)



• The more I read about the FDA and the food industry in America the more I want to own a farm, make my own food, slaughter my own animals, plant my own veggies, grow my own fruit, grind my own flour...live off the land. And this coming from a person who isn't extremely always-organic or must-be-grass-fed and who has never done a day of farm work in her life. I'm nervous about the world my children are growing up in, food-wise. Let alone otherwise. I know every parent feels this way throughout every generation so I take my fear with a few grains of salt but yes, I fear a movement of elitism in this country where only the wealthy can afford to purchase food that is safe and healthy. People 1) without land and 2) with limited resources will be left to test their fate with the already emerging "maybe this is safe" food authorized by the FDA, who is financed by a government that is owned by China. *drops it*



• Seseme Street is just. plain. weird. Was it always so, so creepy?

Signing Out,
(because my son just took off his diaper and peed on the floor. *sigh)