Painting Appoval

I cried a fountain of tears in worship yesterday as song after song spoke of God being THEE HIGHEST - the highest authority, the ultimate reason, One who is WORTHY of my heart and my thoughts and my worship. As I let the majestic praises of His people resound in my head and heart, I came face to face with my immaturity and neediness. Why in the face of a holy God would I base so much of my worth on the approval of others? Why do I need certain mere humans to give me praise when He, who has the ultimate authority, is the only one who has a heaven or a hell to put me in?

Becoming a mother was a bit shocking, for me at least. I always wanted children and had spent tons of time with kids, but for all of my want and experience, I started my mommyhood journey extremely insecure. I read books and took advice that just wasn’t ME, wasn’t Nico, and wasn’t Michael. So at every failed attempt to adapt to other people’s advice and parenting styles, I felt like a failure. Add in some post-partum depression and very little positive support and you have one. insecure. mother.

I wasn’t whole after I had Nico; not in the parenting sense at least. I’d been living in the tension of insecurity and allowed waves of self-doubt and tremendous fear to bleed my natural instincts as mother. For someone who has been a strong and self-assured, confident woman – the self-doubt in this area came like a thief in the night. The people I wanted the most approval and encouragement from, ended up somehow being the most negative. Those I planned to count on the most just didn’t pan out.

In the ashes and absence of positive, soul-giving support, God in all of His knowledge and grace gave me beautiful “fillers,” friends and neighbors to walk though these hard, early-parenting years with. These mothers have been refreshing and positive; affirming. Like earth and air, teaching me to trust myself – just by affirming my choices and my children. They gave and are still giving me permission to paint motherhood with my own colors; not the colors of my family and history or even in the shades of expectation.

But even in the blessing of these wonderful friends, I’ve craved more. Do we ever really outgrow our need for parental approval? Probably not. But I realize more and more, that marriage and babies should separate you, even further at times, than you would expect or even want. At some point, it’s vital to look at your spouse and determine, to do it your own way. At all costs. To carve out a path that is the best for how you feel called to live and love and grow as a nuclear family.

We don’t stand before God one day accountable for anybody but ourselves. With that eternal mindset, like the one I felt washed in on Sunday, I realize this simple truth: God’s approval is the only one that matters. Living life in the darkened shadow of how everyone else lives, under the choices of others, painting a picture in used-up shades of brown is just, ugly. This isn’t what I was created for…to live reacting to every critical comment, to be tossed back and forth by every opposing parenting style, to look for approval from people I’m not convinced I even want to even emulate anyway. I wasn’t born to color in lines carved out by others so why would I raise my children trying to do so?

Under the cross of Christ, I am free. Poured out and open, living to please and paint for One.

I was challenged Sunday to get my eyes off of everybody else and put them back on God. To live like Jesus is to live for the approval of The Father. In that emulation of God, no comment or question or opinion or idea can steal my joy, question my capabilities, undermine my authority or disrespect my style. Jesus was compassionate but He was also courageous because He knew He was living right, with the approval of Abba. If I’m going to set boundaries with the disapproving and die on a hill defending any choice, I want to make damn sure it’s a choice I believe in, in submission to Christ. Rejection matters less when I have assurance that I am walking, painting, living, and loving like the Savior modeled and called me to live. This is what the cross ensures; that when I stand in its shadow I can paint in the palette of freedom, covered in acceptance, love and approval.

Today I begin to paint for an audience of One.

Ugly Boxes of Precedent

I’m struggling with “precedent” lately. Things that have been demonstrated again and again, over time, can quickly become the norm regardless of how abnormal it REALLY is. Labels, identity, expectations – the very essence of how we engage ourselves and others is often built upon the foundation of Precedent. Here are three ugly ones I am struggling to overcome.

1. Ever since I can remember, there was a lingering precedent that I am “invalid” – that I am a troublemaking, exaggerative, dramatic, not-to-be-taken-seriously girl. Some of that was merited, especially as a young teen, but it’s left me truly believing at times that I shouldn’t expect to be taken seriously. I rarely even demand it anymore. It’s hard to shake labels when even those closest to you disbelieve you and disregard your thoughts, ideas, and opinions. I used to think, if I get married and have babies, I’ll be taken seriously. And then when that proved to be bunk, if I have a natural birth and breastfeed perfectly, I’ll be supermom and gain some respect. Not so. And now, I find myself sometimes thinking, if I make a lot of money (aka, had a real “career" vs. working in a church) – maybe then I'll change Precedent. Obviously a pipe dream.

2. Since I’ve had children, I’ve had these amazing women offer to babysit on occasion from church. They want to hang out with my kids! But I struggle to BELIEVE them. Because Precedent in my family structure communicates a.) that kids are an annoying obligation b.) that babysitting is laborious c.) that watching children isn’t something the generation ahead of me SHOULD EVER HAVE to do. Michael and I hardly ever go out together because of this and I find myself aching for time with my husband outside of diapers and bedtime. Despite the offers from kind hearts, Precedent dictates and I am often left isolated, fending for myself.

3. I also have this notion that lots and lots of men, especially over 65, are child molesters because Precedent says, Older men can’t be trusted. Older men who take an interest in babies and children are f*ed up in the head. I suspected this overreaching fear would come up more so as Selah grew up a little, but after the 20,000th Catholic Priest incident hit the news and the recent Penn State scandal, I’ve been more and more alerted with regard to Nico. Just the other day at the park, this guy kept getting closer and closer to Nico with his dog. Like, enticing him because Nico LOVES puppies. He was a pretty nice guy who lives in the neighborhood but the questions crossed my mind; is he trying to win Nico’s favor? Why is he getting so close? I mean, I was WITH a friend and her toddler. I guarantee she thought nothing of this guy. But I did. He creeped me out a little. As someone with sexual abuse in my past, Precedent calls for the distrust of most men.

I’ve overcome a lot of labels in my life, so I know the battle that lies ahead of me. I know setting boundaries is difficult, especially when they’ve been walked over enough times to call my heart a crosswalk. There are elements here in these three paragraphs that I’ve grown to believe about myself and others that are just plain unhealthy. And wrong. Knowledge is power, but it’s hard to get out of boxes when it’s all you’ve really known. It’s hard to set new standards, when life lessons have taught you otherwise. It’s quite shocking to truly embrace God’s identity; how HE says life should work and how relationships should be structured when so many experiences say otherwise.

Part of the beautiful challenge of 'engaged parenting' is not letting negative precedents get recycled; dealing with my shit before my shit deals with me and affects my children. It’s a MAD DASH to work on ME, when suddenly the focus is about cultivating these two little hearts and minds to know God’s love and purposes for their lives.

I keep layering my negative experiences overtop of life. Instead, I need to layer Truth – the affirmations Scripture declares – over the shit people say or have done or are still doing that contradict true love, real grace, and relentless hope. I can’t win favor by trying to be someone else. I can’t say I want community, but distrust the motives of every single person. I can’t go around thinking every 65 year old man is a molester. I want to LISTEN to my God-given instincts, not those dictated by Precedent. I want to be safe. Safe over sorry. But not paranoid. I want to live in balance. I want to get out of these boxes. And I want to live life to the fullest. For me. For these babies. For my God.

But right now, as these issues show their ugly faces, I admit - I don’t know where to start. I don't know what boundaries to set and how that plays out in real life (vs. the written one). But something I do know; I have to be the one who changes. I can't expect anyone else to. I can't salvage unhealthy relationships if the 'other side' is unwilling to change.

With God's grace and His constant, vigilant desire to see me free.; I will overcome. I will get out.

I Get Out by Lauren Hill:
I get out, I get out of all your boxesI get out, you can't hold me in these chainsI'll get outFather free me from this bondageKnowin' my conditionIs the reason I must change[Verse 1]Your stinkin' resolutionIs no type of solutionPreventin' me from freedomMaintainin' your pollutionI won't support your lie no moreI won't even try no moreIf I have to die, oh LordThat's how I choose to liveI won't be compromised no moreI can't be victimised no moreI just don't sympathize no moreCause now I understandYou just wanna use meYou say "love" then abuse meYou never thought you'd loose meBut how quickly we forgetThat nothin' is for certainYou thought I'd stay here hurtin'Your guilt trip's just not workin'Repressin' me to deathCause now I'm choosin' life, yoI take the sacrifice, yoIf everything must go, then goThat's how I choose to live[Pause][Singing rest of Verse 1]That's how I choose to live...Hehehehe, awhhNo more compromisesI see past your disguisesBlindin' through mind controlStealin' my eternal soulAppealin' through materialTo keep me as your slave[Singing Chorus]But I get outOh, I get out of all your boxesI get outOh, you can't hold me in these chainsI'll get outOh, I want out of social bondageKnowin' my conditionOh, is the reason I must change[Singing Verse 2]See, what you see is what you getOh, and you ain't seen nothin' yetOh, I don't care if you're upsetI could care less if you're upsetSee it don't change the truthAnd your hurt feeling's no excuseTo keep me in this boxPsychological locksRepressin' true expressionCementin' this repressionPromotin' mass deceptionSo that no one can be healedI don't respect your systemI won't protect your systemWhen you talk I don't listenOh, let my Father's will be done[Singing Chorus]And just get outOh, just get out of all these bondageJust get outOh, you can't hold me in chainsJust get outAll these traditions killin' freedomKnowin' my conditionIs the reason I must change[Singing Verse 3]I've just accepted what you saidKeepin' me among the deadThe only way to knowIs to walk then learn and growBut faith is not your speedOh, you've had everyone believedThat you're the sole authorityJust follow the majorityAfraid to face realityThe system is a jokeOh, you'd be smart to save your soulOh, when escape is mind controlYou spent your life in sacrificeTo a system for the deadOh, are you sure...Where is the passion in this livingAre you sure it's God you servin'Obligated to a systemGetting less then you're deservingWho made up these schools, I sayWho made up these rules, I sayAnimal conditioningOh, just to keep us as a slave[Singing Chorus]Oh, just get outOf this social purgatoryJust get outAll these traditions are a lieJust get outSuperstition killing freedomKnowin' my conditionIs the reason I must dieJust get outJust get outJust get outLet's get outLet's get outKnowin' my conditionIs the reason I must dieJust get out

Randoms (2)

I have to just get these things off my chest. They tickle my mind late at night and serve to distract me during the day. Sometimes it's the little lingering, unresolved thoughts that produce the most stress. At any rate... here are my "randoms," part two.

• I have two children. I know, I'm stating the obvious but sometimes it really hits me. I'm a MOM! Of two KIDS. Suddenly I blinked and gave birth to two humans and now I'm in the throws of parenting. I feel old, like I've lived a thousand years. I'm just THAT tired. But sometimes I feel really, really young. Like it should still be 1995 and I should still be at Allard Park as a 15 year old, getting high behind the monkey bars and giggling on the swings while listening to Candlebox. The adjustment is still quite shocking. I'm still getting used to being MARRIED!



• Someone recently encouraged me to just dig my heals in and go with my decision on a certain subject and it struck me as really, really odd. As an analytical person, I can't imagine digging my heals into any idea or behavior or choice. I have found that it's just when I do that very thing that the bottom drops and I'm left whirling and confused. Or regretting my proclamation and subscription to the idea. I've discovered a few things in life that are sure to happen; number one - things change! I think every season and personal choice should come with introspection and analyzation. It's unhealthy for people to skip emotional, spiritual or practical inventory. I want to be someone who evolves and rolls with the changes, not a person stuck in my own pride-filled-heel-digs. Life is too short not to be a little fluid.



• Speaking of fluid; Selah is now taking a bottle. I find this remarkable because her new babysitter taught her in just one day. It's literally miraculous because we were all praying. Yes, it was THAT big of a deal to us. And then Selah just DID IT! God and her babysitter...miracle workers!



• Selah is also rolling now. All over the place. Well, only really from her back to her tummy and then getting stuck. It's quite cute. My sister reminded me that from here on out, it's pretty much: roll, sit, eat, crawl, walk *BLINK* one year old birthday party! Sometimes (late at night, early in the morning when I'm tired and sick of breastfeeding) I wish her baby days away. I wish for a sleep-through-the-night, off-the-boob, somewhat-independent daughter. But I am reminded that these days really, really do go so fast. And it's not like the toddler days are EASY. *sigh* With every stage comes blessing and hardship.



• Nico is a wild man. He wants to wrestle everyone (sister included). He wants to climb and jump and fall and hit and throw. When Michael is gone all day and all night (work and school), I try to get down on the ground and "play" with him. I usually get up in three minutes with some injury. My role is not daddy. Clearly, he needs man-time already!



• I was watching You've Got Mail for the 1,000 time recently and was HIT OVER THE HEAD with Meg Ryan's character asking her boyfriend about her role as a children's bookstore owner. She asked, "I mean, what IS it that I DO exactly? All I REALLY DO is run a book story." It's been resonating with me ever since, bouncing around my thoughts and hitting me over the head on occasion with regard to my work. What is it that I DO exactly? I manage little projects and coordinate the right people to accomplish tasks. I delegate and get projects complete. I manage social media sites and link people together. Yes. But what is that I DO that is unique and challenging and marketable? Not a whole hell of a lot, really. I've been feeling extremely replaceable lately. Like I should probably step down and let someone with REAL skills do my job - someone who can ALSO technically manage things like websites and digital signage and wires and techy stuff that hurts my head just thinking about. I have vision but lack pretty much every skill set required to implement. So what is is that I DO exactly? *sigh*



• I auditioned for a play/musical for Lent a few weeks ago with the Sewickley Choir Institute. I got casted in a decent role too. And then I realized, there was NO way I could make all those rehearsals and 13 performances with a baby on the boob, a husband in grad school, a house, a job and a marriage. I had to back out and it broke my heart a little bit. I MISS the escape of acting. And singing. I've never been the greatest at these crafts but I enjoy them very much. It occurred to me that in this season of life, my needs really do come last. I say this not as a martyr but as someone facing the reality of my life. For the next few months, our priorities are ranked in such a way that me finding outlet in theater is almost absurd. This is hard for me. I'm not naturally selfless. (ha!)



• The more I read about the FDA and the food industry in America the more I want to own a farm, make my own food, slaughter my own animals, plant my own veggies, grow my own fruit, grind my own flour...live off the land. And this coming from a person who isn't extremely always-organic or must-be-grass-fed and who has never done a day of farm work in her life. I'm nervous about the world my children are growing up in, food-wise. Let alone otherwise. I know every parent feels this way throughout every generation so I take my fear with a few grains of salt but yes, I fear a movement of elitism in this country where only the wealthy can afford to purchase food that is safe and healthy. People 1) without land and 2) with limited resources will be left to test their fate with the already emerging "maybe this is safe" food authorized by the FDA, who is financed by a government that is owned by China. *drops it*



• Seseme Street is just. plain. weird. Was it always so, so creepy?

Signing Out,
(because my son just took off his diaper and peed on the floor. *sigh)

It Seemed Good to the Holy Spirit and To Us...

(Acts 15:28a)

I love the word "seemed" in this passage because to me, it shows that even the Apostles who lived in the same generation as Jesus, had difficulty discerning some “earthly” matters. The decision they made here set the holy Church in motion and elements of their logic and reliance on the Holy Spirit effect us and how the church “does business” today.

Sometimes in Christendom we shun the concept of "seemed." We try to make everything black and white, this or that, sin or a fruit of the spirit. But sometimes, life sits squarely in between - and there isn't a ton of clarity (biblical or otherwise) to support one idea from another.

But there sure are a lot of opinions!

By choice, I am involved in some pretty heated blog discussions concerning parenting. Breast feed or formula? Coddle or cry it out methods? Birth Control or not? Stay at home full-time or work full-time or does God prefer mom's work part-time? What does Jesus say to us through his Holy Scriptures?

I say this as someone who has had a little biblical training in exegetical study. …Not a whole hell of a lot.

My husband and I are blessed beyond measure with two beautiful and healthy children. We have been pregnant 3 times and I say this sensitively but honestly, we got pregnant every single time we tried, on the first try. We are fertile.

We are also good parents who battle every day to stay in the moment and enjoy these quickly-passing memories; but sometimes we struggle. We've lost most of our freedom and see very little end in sight concerning diapers and feedings and dear God, don't even get me started on the lack of sleep! We do want more children, but we can't imagine getting pregnant RIGHT NOW!

NOW, in Michael's last and most difficult semester of grad school. NOW, when I'm just starting to lose the baby weight (from baby #1 that I never lost before getting pregnant again). NOW, when we may be moving in a few months for a job offer, very little fish in the big pond of D.C. (tadpoles, really.)

It seemed good to us therefore, to go on birth control a few months ago! And so we did.

But did you catch that?

I didn't say it seemed good to the Holy Spirit AND to us. Because we never ASKED. We did not pray. We just did what SEEMED right to us.

Herein lies the danger that Christians are so prone toward. When faced with not knowing and not being sure how to make the best decision between our own logic and the parameters of our faith, we often clamber toward extremes. We do one or the other. We either do our own thing, what SEEMS right by our logic OR we over-spiritualize everything and expect the Bible to say word-for-word how we are to live, thousands of years after the fact.

Michael and I saw our error a few nights ago and decided to make it point of prayer concerning birth control and trusting God and all these questions my friend just posed on this blog. That, and if I should keep working or stay home full-time (because we forgot to include the Holy Spirit in that as well).

I’m reminded in this, that the whole POINT of following Jesus is having communion with Him. Relationship. That takes place through the indwelling Holy Spirit, in prayer and in reading the Scriptures. The spiritual disciplines exist so we KNOW Him and are better able to know what SEEMS right by Him and our logic when all these "in between this and that" decisions pop up.

In all of my searching for answers, in debate and stimulating conversation lately, I need to remember 1) not all answers are found in Scripture. 2) not all answers are found through human logic. 3) most answers are found through Scripture, prayer (seeking what SEEMS right by the Holy Spirit) AND human logic.

I'll keep you posted...on what seems good to the Holy Spirit and to us. Stay tuned.