A Friend-Like Sister Wife, Lessons from Polygamy

I posted what became a controversial statement on facebook a few days ago about polygamy – why I didn’t see a problem with consenting adults participating as part of their faith, why I don’t understand why it’s condemned in Christian circles, and that I don’t think it should be illegal in a country that seeks to grant freedom of religion. This blog isn’t a follow up to that post.

I did however observe something in the midst of that “discussion” that is sad and haunting and sort of interesting. Here is what I noticed.

The women I’ve talked to about polygamy who have regarded it in some amount of positivity, especially with regard to the show Sister Wives and the implications of plural marriage, have a few things in common. We are young, married, and have small children. We love our families, are exhausted and often feel lonely despite intentionally seeking friendships among other moms.

Having "sister wives" answers a lot of the secret, intimate desires women have by the very DNA of plural marriage. We all want to have close female friendships, we want HELP, and we need support. Being a wife and mom can be hard stuff; we were created to raise our kids in a village. We were never meant to do this thing alone. And yet so many of us do.

The word “community” has been the Christian buzz word for what?, ten years now?, but I’m not sure we’re closer to really living the concept despite all the talk. Try as we might, theorize like we do – we often can’t seem to really, really go the distance with each other. There are about a million reasons for that but mostly, I think it’s because we don’t have any formal place for declaration where friendship is concerned in our culture. There isn’t a way to pledge loyalty and love to one another. And without the declaration, can there really be committment? We say forever only to people we marry and as we all know, marriage doesn’t solve all of our hearts longings and desires.

We all need friends. We need community. We need sister wives!

Without a formal declaration of forever – no talk of friendly commitment, no covenant among us gal pals, we can never really be THAT close, as close as sister wives that is. How do you trust forever, when the commitment hasn’t been made? How do you give your heart to someone without telling them you are doing so?

Having sister wives forces a "working through" of relational hardships (jealousy, competition, gossip, offenses, etc..) because, like a marriage, you are "in it" for better or worse, for rich or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death… You've shared your, well, husband. You've shared your children, your home, your goals, your LIFE with this person. You're IN IT! For good.

Christian friendships SHOULD be like this – family – a sense of being each other’s keeper, of confronting offenses, of giving where there is need, working past the hurt, speaking the truth in love, forgiving – substance thicker than water and yet more often than not, I think we come up empty handed, friendships running through our fingers, close to covenant but then something happens. Forever among friends eludes us.

One of the great love stories in the Bible is that of David and Jonathan, friends who chose loyalty to each other over family ties and declared commitment despite opposition. They gave the purest part of their hearts to one another. I believe their friendship was successful in part, because of their freedom to risk vulnerability and to declare themselves, make covenant, pledge forever.

This is such a foreign concept to many of us but I see a longing in the hearts of people around me, wishing for someone to make covenant with, a friend, who will be a sister wife of sorts (without the whole - plural marriage, share my husband stuff). I feel like we need a place that we are safe to celebrate the declaration of those special friendships, to give voice and credibility to deep relational unions and to say out loud to one another in the presence of witnesses - “I love you. We are in this. Together. And I will hold you accountable, confront you, stick with you when you offend me, love you despite your weaknesses; tell you the truth – always. And I like you. And I support you. Your successes and failures are mine. For better or worse, for rich or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death…”

And should something terrible happen; irreconcilable differences that confrontation, counseling, intervention and everything under the sun can’t fix, separates these friends – support should be given to mourn the end of something beautiful, like people grieve a divorce. Because when you lose a friend, a friend on this level, the pain is just as intense. I think the loss grieves the heart of God just as much.

I know it's a little scary, but my encouragement to you - to myself - is to not just be intentional about building authentic "friendships," but to declare your intent to go the distance in some way, to be "family." To set out to be a sister-type. Because really, lack of intimacy has nothing to do with social constraints or religious dogma. It's effort that is needed, not an avenue. The intent to BE family in friendships.