Why We Need To Stop Saying, "No Church Is Perfect."

No kidding, no church is perfect. I fail to understand exactly why that's the first thing church members say regarding church failure (abuse, neglect, judgement, hate, fear-mongering and the like).

Let me be clear, there is no substitute for healthy confrontation and direct communication. It's always important for each individual to confront personal or witnessed abuse.

Presuming these matters have been confronted and then in response, ignored (as happens far too often), here are five reasons I PERSONALLY dislike hearing this phrase in response to church-perpetuated injustice and why I think Christians need to stop handing it out like a candy-antidote to poison.

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1. It's belittling and dismissive.  Aren't we all well-acquainted with human frailty and imperfection? Truly, there isn't a person on this planet who doesn't understand that pain and abuse are rampant. The news is full of horrible suffering at the hands of other people. Clearly, humans are capable of tremendous failure. It's belittling to assume we don't understand that.

Secondly, it makes an assumption that what's been witnessed is not fully relevant because it wasn't witnessed by everyone. It dismisses personal experience and takes away credibility - it questions the integrity of the person who has witnessed or experienced the hurt, disqualifying their ability to discern injustice.

2. It's an excuse to hide behind. If you've ever questioned God, faith or suffering, you've probably been handed a few cliché responses to that pain and doubt. Things like, "All good things work together for good," and "God won't give you more than you can handle," and my all-time favorite, "The Lord must have a special plan for you because Satan is really attacking you." I think we accept those responses sometimes because they're Scriptural or can be interpreted from certain stories in Scripture. Some are well outside of context and wildly misused, but they're still there. In the Bible.

But "No church is perfect?," is not Scripture. Jesus was about calling out bullshit churchy responses and setting people on a radical path toward unity, goodness, compassion and justice. He didn't allow His disciples to make excuses for themselves.  In response to injustices committed by the Pharisees - the church leadership of His day - He didn't explain it away with, "No Temple is perfect." He didn't let injustice perpetuate without confrontation and an invitation to change. He then instructed His disciples to leave a town if their radical message of Love was not received. 

3. It's #sorrynotsorry and skirts around the real issues. I had a close friend who was accustom to apologizig as a form of escape. Boy, an "I'm sorry" can really shut down a conversation and therefor the ability to work through an offense and grow the relationship. After a while, after the perpetuation of the offense, I stopped accepting the apology and we'd really dig in and talk. Because saying sorry isn't a true apology if the real issues aren't worked through.

"No church is perfect," is a blanket statement, a #sorrynotsorry avoidance and I'm convinced that the people who say this frequently, are trying desperately to overlook the pain themselves. (I know. I've been there.) It's an avoidance of the situation and never really digs in and deals with the root of the problem. "Sorry" with no goal of standing in the gap or struggling for reconciliation or invoking change isn't helpful. It stifles conversation, Christian community, transparency, trust and goes against everything Jesus told us to do and be for one another. It's relational suicide.

4. It's guilt-driven. If you really think about it, the statement is set up to accuse the wounded of being judgmental. Like somehow if a person takes issue with being hurt or witnessing injustices and decides to leave their church for said reasons (after confronting the offender and striving for reconciliation - only to be further marginalized), this phrase accuses them of unrighteously judging.

It plays on the heartstrings of the boundary-less and promotes duty over freedom. It seems like a bad idea to fill a church with the obligated abused, but that's exactly what this statement promotes. It lends itself to false-humility, fake-apologies and fucked-up theology.

5. It's sort of like rape culture. When "no church is perfect" becomes part of the DNA of a church member's consistent language they become part of the injustice. Remember when Jesus flipped out in the Temple and turned over some tables? He hated that people were abusing their power and robbing the poor of money and their rights to freely worship. He kicked out the sellers but he ALSO KICKED OUT THE BUYERS. Because when we enable people to commit injustices, to us and others, we become the buyers. Buying into a church culture that abuses its power and frequently hurts people, is an assault on all Jesus told us to model and be for one another.

Hiding behind *shrug* "no church is perfect," communicates a powerless Christ, an absentee Holy Spirit and a will-lessness among the church. It's saying that people can't really help themselves, so they sin. They assault other people with words and actions and the wounded are supposed to just ignore, self-blame or overlook in the name of well, we're all sinners!! This is rape culture; *shrug* "boys will be boys." Implying they can't really help themselves, so they rape. They assault other people with words and actions and the wounded are supposed to just ignore, self-blame or overlook. If that's not the farthest thing from what Jesus wants us to be to and for one another, I don't know what is.

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I do know this to be true. Most of the people I know who have left church, and then either seriously questioned their faith or walked away entirely, have done so because of one or all of these five issues. Furthermore, I don't think anyone even WANTS to go to a perfect church (because then we'd be the only sinners, and how boring, I mean, awkward would that be?). But I do really believe that people want to belong to a community that radically loves and takes responsibility and acts as a living organism that calls and adapts to healthy, life-giving change. No one wants to be belittled, excused, avoided, guilted or have their pain marginalized.

I really, really want Christians to stop saying this. Because it really, really makes me want to walk away. If you've found yourself saying this about your church (which I did for many years), please dig a little deeper. Ask the questions. Confront the situation.

Let's not be Buyers.

On Behalf of Suicide

I think we're all pretty blown away at the death by suicide of Robin Williams. How a person so contagious and so hilarious - filled with wonder and amusement could end his life - is beyond comprehension. Now we grieve, speculate and eventually some will accuse him of selfishness. It's hard to understand how such talented joy could ever feel such terrible sorrow. It just doesn't make sense. How could he take himself from us?

Sometimes there is harsh reality to the unspoken life - the sorrows unseen, the joys robbed by tragedy, addiction, abuse and chemical imbalances to name a few.

We're so public these days, with our instagrams and tweets, status updates and smiley selfies. The life we portray on camera can be such a far cry from reality. I have a friend who does something called, #showyourreal. It's an amazing concept. But sometimes I wonder as I follow along, if anybody really is, showing their real? Cuz let's be honest, when reality hits bottom, who the hell really WANTS to read a person's dark night of the soul and sleepless struggles?

We live in a culture of fake and sometimes the life we lead in public, is miles away from the truth of our hearts. It's a mistake to assume otherwise. Another mistake is to assume that Robin Williams, or anyone who has attempted or committed suicide, has implicitly done so as a decision to leave loved ones broken and spiraling. I don't think it's as selfish as we accuse it to be. 

We've all heard it; suicide is the single most selfish act a person can commit. But what I know about it is that sometimes, it's meant to be selfless. It's meant to protect. 

It was April 4, 1996, a month before my sweet sixteen, that I slit my wrists in my bathroom. The two hours of hell prior to that decision, and well, some parts of the 15 years leading up actually, were some of the bleakest. When all you see of yourself is the ability to hurt people and induce darkness, it's hard to find hope. It can be nearly impossible to see light. Very few people want to be around a sinking ship and so isolation and depression take root. 

For me (and those who've kindly shared their stories with me), suicide wasn't about trying to punish people, to die for personal benefit or gain. There comes a point when it's absolutely possible to believe that the world would be better without you. That family and friends would finally have peace without your presence; that you are so bad, so irreparable, that taking your life somehow seems a beautiful sacrifice. 

I can't explain it; deep depression un-dealt with is like gravity. It exists regardless of understanding or acknowledgment - insight or even desire. And it can pull anyone under and deceive even the steeliest of wills. Suicide therefore, is often MEANT to be selfless, to protect the world from the destruction and pain caused by that depression - a person in the midst of grieving tragedy, addiction, abuse or chemical imbalances can be hard to walk alongside.

I just want to say today that before we speculate and judge, before we call Mr. Williams selfish and shake our heads in confused judgment, can we try to see another side? He wasn't able to show his real; some people's stories are extremely personal and profoundly painful. Let's just be gentle with his life and with one another because right behind that hilarious joke, lip-stick covered smile or social butterflied persona lies a person with a history. A story. Real pain and radical significance. 

Let's love one another, especially those struggling in the darkness.

If you or anyone is struggling with suicide or depression - no matter what problems you are dealing with -  Lifeline will help you find a reason to keep living. Call 1.800.273.TALK. You are worth it. We all are! - http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org