Randoms (8)

I have get these things off my chest. They tickle my mind late at night and serve to distract me during the day. Sometimes it's the little lingering, unresolved thoughts that produce the most stress. At any rate... here are my "randoms," part eight.

I cannot believe my son turns TWO in a week and a half. It feels like I’ve known him forever and yet, just yesterday, he was a tiny baby. I think I get it now, what older people say about time flying. When kids are your world, diaper changes and snacks and meals and naps, the days go slow but the weeks fly by. Time is flying. It makes me a little melancholy.

I’ve been sentimental lately. I have an intense desire to build and cultivate deep friendships with specific, God-given people. I am unapologetically choosy about who I consider my relational inner sanctum. I can’t be a good friend to tons of people. I can’t go a mile wide and a mile deep. I know this sounds foolishly pessimistic and ever-annoyingly cliché but, life is short. I want those who are in my life, walking this road of friendship and accountability, to know just how much they mean to me. I want to share the love, to yoke unity and passion and trust among this band of sisters, friends, confidants. I want to make these short years count. In the end, people are the only infallible, indispensable investment. I want to be a good friend. I want to model that for my children.

My brother-in-law on my husband’s side temporarily moved in with us this week as he and his family plan to relocate from Lancaster to Pittsburgh. I am reminded that nothing comes free. This new adventure doesn’t come without sacrifice or change, but nothing good ever does. We have a full house but I’m learning that a full house is usually a happier house. Life isn't about avoiding inconveniences or pain. It's about who you are IN IT that defines who you are OUTSIDE of it. Michael and I have always wanted to be people who keep our hearts open. Often, that means your home as well.

I made @cityflicker Freelance real this month. I’m officially a tax-paying, revenue-creating, work-from-home business owner. EEKS! Here’s a secret; I have no idea what I’m doing. Here’s another secret, I kinda like it. I feel very strongly that this little social media consulting gig I somehow stumbled upon is actually a stepping stone for something else and yet I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t think I’ll end up here, managing a few small business Facebook pages (okay, yes, I do more than that), and yet I can’t see down and around this long and twisty trail. I simply yet firmly and somehow intuitively know that I am doing what I am supposed to be. Sometimes it seems like some grand (hard but rewarding) Purpose is pushing me out of the nest, demanding I leave when it’s easier to just stay put. I’ve been asking my whole life to fly and when given the opportunity, I have reservations (and sometimes lame excuses). The nest IS small and unchallenging; it is safe. Let’s not kid ourselves that comfort is a primal default. But I was born for more than statuesque and a 9-5er so, here we are. Here we go. Fly it is. (Can someone give me directions?)

Randoms (7)

...the disconnected, intertwined stuff I'm thinking edition.

Life is changing. There is movement happening all around me. People moving out and others moving in, friend circles becoming more intimate, circumstances aligning, healing encounters, conversations creating thought, thought stimulating growth and growth redefining the old. "Things have been set into motion that cannot be undone." Aslan is on the move.

I've become more convinced in these past few weeks that church is about relationship more so than "worship." I used to ask the frustrated questions;

• What is church?
• Outside of what we've made it - a structure and an institution - what was the intended purpose?

Recently I've just been asking;

• HOW do I worship?

Because in the end, I think my family "does church" pretty damn well. It's how to engage God corporately in worship that we now seek meaning and practice in.

I'm amazed at how people/institutions/leadership seem to "change" once individuals are able, open and ready to change themselves. Perspective is everything. If you are merely a man, you hold no power over others. You can't control or manipulate any part of another's life unless they allow it. Fear is a fallacy, which makes me thoroughly question the ever-present victim mentality of people leaving church, "hurt." Do systems hurt people? Sure. But only if permitted to do so. Jesus kicked out the BUYERS and the sellers at Temple. He had little grace for those who permit themselves to be used and manipulated.

Sometimes I just want to tell everyone to STOP. Stop the show, the charade, the fake boundaries, the rules, the regulated responses, the cause crusades, the right words. I just don't think HE cares about the bullshit. What are we all so busy DOING, really? Jesus' work?

C'mon!

The song Heart of Worship came out of a church feeling like they were putting on a show, the ever-present Sunday morning circus. They spent weeks without music, PowerPoint, singers, microphones and leaders and simply prayed and meditated. Out of the dead silence and seeking, soul searching and sincerity the song was birthed; people coming as they were, stripped down, raw, at-core. I want to live like that. Bare and therefore open. It's all about relationship. I need to worship that way too.

I read this article recently and was blown away. Read it. Please.

I have been challenged to think through decisions and motives for work and worship recently and have been surprised at the role fear, shame and guilt have played. I am learning that these ugly forces are not the intention for my life, for your life. Obligatory worship, relationships, and otherwise are not what God desires for His creation.

If you are in that place, strip down, be naked, and get re-built.

I am.

Being changed. It's my desire to stay in the process.

Let's all stay engaged, friends.