A Co-existing Forgiveness

Someone recently asked me the age-old question. “Do you have to forgive in Christianity when the person who hurt you didn’t ask for it nor has changed? And if so, how?” I get this question a lot. It doesn’t surprise me. God has had to do a lot of work in me to get me to this point, this point being the knowledge and understanding that forgiveness is a choice. The act of it requires no one other than a broken and honest heart speaking to a Healing and Trustworthy God.

In moments where I’m speaking to a new believer or someone who has known God for a long time but has never had to walk through hard forgiveness, I start explaining the process of forgiveness by giving my “story.” In the end, I simply say that instead of my bitterness and hatred affecting that rapist or that molester or that mean lady, it affected me. Down in my core, in my center, the place Spirit and blood reside, it affected me. It turned fluid to stone and movement into knots. Bitterness destroys. Un-forgiveness kills. Its roots touch hell.

If I’ve told my story once I’ve told it one thousand times. It’s not that mine is more effective but personal testimony, I’ve found, moves mountains. It gives the pain worth. And I quite literally believe that Scripture passage in Revelations which states that we will overcome the Enemy by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I like to say, whenever I get the chance, that in this…in THIS area of chosen forgiveness, Jesus works! The way of the cross makes sense. It really is the best way to live, as Rob Bell put it.

After I share my story and encourage forgiveness, the conversation often shifts and I realize something. Most people, people who aren’t dealing with childhood wounds or serious past offenses, are really just asking the question, how do I deal with a person in my life when I find them offensive to my heart and abusive to my soul? How do I copy with a relationship I’m forced to be involved in (in-laws, co-workers, leadership, etc…) when it’s literal emotional torture to be around them?

It turns out, in most cases lately, that people are really just asking how to co-exist. It’s interesting that the question would originate with forgiveness though. As much as I believe forgiveness is a huge issue in our would and in our faith communities, knowing how to deal with difficult people is even greater. The questions abound, boundaries vs. confrontation vs. intentionality vs. co-existence. At what point can you “wipe the dust off?” At what point is “speaking the truth in love” imperative?

It’s my opinion that there are different forms of forgiveness. Going back and re-hashing a painful memory and forgiving the person involved is one form. That’s the form I’m most familiar with. But the other form is trickier because it involves a daily surrender of will and emotions – a constant surrender of self. Walking forgiveness, as I like to call it, is hard. Plain and simple. It’s the stuff “take up the cross and follow me” is made of. Only Jesus Himself was fully capable.

Over the next few days I’m going to make this a prayer focus. I’m going to journal about what this means practically and spiritually in order to give myself, and others if they’re interested, clarity and calm amidst their difficult relational moments.