#SelahShalom Turns FIVE! Happy Birthday, Selah!

A Little Life Overview

YEAR 5, 2015-2016 Diverging from brother, becoming her own girl, mac n cheese, roast chicken and broccoli, Ha'Penny Montessori School, pool time with neighbors, Addison, after school trips to the park, cheered while watching mommy graduate fro Georgetown, back to Pittsburgh, bunk beds becoming ships and forts, room sharing with Brother, dinosaur obsessed, fishing, camping, trips to the Strip District for Pho, Pre-school at Nana's, books and movies, not my little girl- boy clothes please!, friends with everyone, ponytails, Sundays with MiMi and Pap, happy with a bit of temper. 2016: A Year In Review

YEAR 4, 2014-2015 How To Train Your Dragon, dinosaurs, riding bikes, that hilarious helmet, singing - aways singing in the back of the car, Pittsburgh to Maryland to Virginia, Jewish preschool, Ha'penney Montessori School, swimming, first metro, time in DC, camping, first movie theater experiences, catfish, let's play dinosaurs, let's play i'm a kitty, friends: Annabel, Kaitlin, Addie, NICO, Caleb, Nadia. Landon at Nana's. kitties, fishing, "nico nico nico" 2015: A Year In Review

YEAR 3, 2013-2014 Octonauts, BUNNY, long blonde curly hair, carbs, first music interests (drums and guitar - I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR), dinosaurs, first ice-skate, first move into a new place, spring/summer part-time daycare, winter McDonalds Tuesdays, Friends: Miles, Julia, "G", Piper, "Potato," Riley, Mitchell, Landon, LuLu, Brady, Lucy, cousin-friends, brother - friend, Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord, Kids Club, first Christmas concert, first week away with Grandma and PaPa in Lancaster, Candyland, first camping experience, Miss Kayla, How To Train Your Dragon, potty trained, summer swimming (and jumping in with or without floaties), Natural History Museum, 2013 Family Fun, Uncle David and Meatball, twirling to Game of Thrones theme song, first trip to the beach, FROZEN!

YEAR 2, 2012-2013: the bunny - as a nickname and a sleep aid, Thomas the Train, Tuesday park or McDonalds, tortured/roughed up/pushed along by Beast of Burden Brother, the BOB stroller, first Cucumber Falls, trains in West Park, the ducks, Friends: Miles, Julia, Piper, LuLu, "G," cousin-friends, first train ride, numbers over letters, balls and trucks, first hikes with Pap, Play Space

YEAR 1, 2011-2012: breastfed and swaddled for seven months, bottle-struggles at first until MISS KAYLA, walked before 1, Zoo Booh, grew a bottle and cow milk addiction, carbs over veggies, black beans, Super Why, Play Space, Best Friends: "G" & LuLu, sound machine, led worship with mommy (in carrier), music calmed, dada - first word, the swaddle - oh god where's the swaddle!?, most kissable face ever

BIRTH: September 26, 2011: two weeks post due, hours before induction. 9:17AM, 9 pounds, 21&3/4 inches long, perfectly pink, terrific nurser, swaddle-necessary, flower and butterfly themed nursery, born at Mercy Hospital, Midwives: Emily/Kathy via a perfect, medication-free VBAC. More here on The birth story

#NicodemusAlexander Turns 7!! - Happy Birthday, Nico!

A Little Life Overview

YEAR 7, 2016-2017 six pack, soccer boy, piano lessons, Kindergarten at Bon Meade - Moon Tigers, reading, wrestling, Pokemon and tablet obsessed, cousin time, sleep overs, hater of hot dogs, fully swimming, pull ups, push ups, bunk beds, trips to Grandma's and PaPa's, cousin friends, summer fun at Daddy's, pool time, dishwasher emptier, logical and argumentative (in the best way), tubing, sledding, so much self-confidence, MiMi & PapPap Sunday dinners, walks on the Montour Trail, camping with "the guys" and cousins, catching crayfish, New friends, all of Kindergarten - Mitchell still wins the BFF card, 2016 - A Year in Review

YEAR 6, 2015-2016 sushi eel and shrimp, site words, Pre-K at Ha'Penny Montessori School, first lost baby tooth, after school trips to the park, back to Pittsburgh, bunk beds becoming ships and forts, room sharing with Sissy, dinosaur obsessed (still), fishing, camping, trips to the Strip District for Pho, new friends: Mitchell and Gideon, 2015 - a flicker overview.

YEAR 5, 2014-2015 lean and lanky, riding bikes, beach trips and sandcastles, dinosaur obsessed and Superhero's still. FISHING, Pennsylvania to Maryland then Virginia, first time in DC, metro riding, Jewish school, Ha'Penny Montessori School, new friends: Tejas, Michael, Benjamin, Bradly, Addison. First movie in the theater: Jurassic World, camping trip, catfish, stink bate, writing and building and creating at school. Science- prehistoric summer camp, swimming without floaties, lake trips and family fun.

YEAR 4, 2013-2014 lean and lanky and "healfy and strong," Octonauts, Superhero's, shrimp, first music interest (drums - thanks to Uncle David, the rockstar), DINOSAURS, first ice-skate, first move into a new place, winter McDonalds Tuesdays, Friends: Miles, Julia, "G", Piper, Mitchell, LuLu, Brady, Lucy, Caleb, Gavin, all the other "cousin-friends," swords, "Sissy" AKA: Selah - his friend and nemesis, Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord, Kids Club, first Christmas concert, first family "performance," first week away with Grandma and PaPa in Lancaster, Candyland, spring/summer part-time daycare, first camping experience - "alone in my own tent," Miss Kayla, summer swimming, National History Museum, 2013 Family Fun - a year in review, FROZEN!

YEAR 3, 2012-2013: developing "the core," Thomas the Train, potty trained, Tuesday park or McDonalds, "I'm going to marry Meatball" AKA: Anneleise, Beast of Burden Brother, first time in a wedding, first Cucumber Falls, shoelace obsessions, trains in West Park, the ducks, Friends: Miles, Julia, Piper, LuLu, "G," cousin-friends, first train ride, Pledge of Allegiance, Miss Kayla, dump trucks, dirt piles, first hikes with Pap, Nico the Farmer, began sharing a room with Sissy, Dr. Seuss

YEAR 2, 2011-2012: at 13 months, "I'm a big brother!"  kale and beans, letters learned, Zoo Booh, eating mulch, playing Risk with daddy and a sippy cup, cow milk addictions, Super Why, Play Space, Friends: Luke, Miles, Harlow, Michael, Julia, Keely, "G," MISS KAYLA, Moms Club,  car and truck "lined ups"

YEAR 1, 2010-2011: first beach - outer banks, NC, christmas wrapping paper garbage, crawling, babbling, black beans and cheerios, breast milk but mostly formula, projectile vomiting, target diapers discovered, Ren fest, Bumbo chair, Moms Club, Mr. Brown Can Moo, Dedication at Allegheny Center Alliance Church, little pumpkin

BIRTH: August 7, 2010: 8:12AM, 8 pounds, 4 ounces, 21 inches long, perfectly round head, lazy nurser, fidgeting sleep and hilarious noises, Dr. Seuss themed nursery, born at Mercy Hospital, Midwives: Kara/Anne via cesarean section. More here on The birth story

Randoms (15) It's Been Too Long

Okay, I cannot believe it's been three months since I last posted. It's always when things are the craziest that I forget to update and then WHAM, there's just too much to write.

Here goes my attempt at the Randoms, part 15.

• We moved, again. To recap, we moved to Robison/Moon in March after selling our North Side, Pittsburgh house. We moved to Wheaton, Maryland - near DC - for Michael's new job in October and we bought a wonderful house in northern, Virginia in December. (that's four places that we lived in one year) Honestly, I'm unable to see boxes, packing tape or anything move related without getting sick to my stomach. I mean, WHO moves that many times in a year? (point thumbs toward myself, THIS GUY!) You can read more about that transition here.
• We live in Ashburn, VA - horse and wine country - a wonderful school district in a neighborhood full of children. We have a pool, a park, shops, doctors, sushi, everything we need within walking distance. The downside being, it's a 1.5 hour commute ONE WAY to the District. And that sucks. I remember the days Michael would leave for work at 8:30 and be home by 5:15 (just in time for Chloe and I to hit up Kaya for Happy Hour, AKA Mommy sanity). Now it's a much longer day and I usually start cocktailing around 4pm so I don't go totally insane. (I don't want concerned emails so please know that was a joke. sort of) 
• Turns out grad school at Georgetown is a lot harder than my bachelors degree from Geneva. I'm talking, WTF?!!? harder. I started early January and am still learning my way around. I get lost on my way every. single. time. (not surprising to many of you who are aware of my directional impairment), the commute is 1.5 hours one way, I double stack my classes which means I leave at 3pm and get home at midnight on Mondays, academic writing is a lot different than the style I've been blogging in since college (I know you're all shocked!) and things like Blackboard and this crazy RefWorks library are just a few of the things I'm adjusting to. Help me, Jesus!
• The children LOVE their new pre-school. It's Montessori, full of unique and extremely liberating ways of teaching and learning. I'm rather impressed, though we do miss Jewish school. Nico is writing letters and words and learning his addition and subtraction. Selah focuses her attention toward painting and music and measuring...is anyone surprised? We will keep them in this environment until 1st grade and since we plan to hold both back a year (late summer/fall babies), it will be a long-term relationship.
• The house is almost complete, decoration-wise. It's a brand-new townhouse condo so there really wasn't much to do except decorate. And I had an amazing time doing so. I decided on a different feel from my previous houses. Mainly a lighter and tighter theme, incorporating grays, purples, yellows and blues along with my standard red accents. I know how important it is for you to know this, especially since y'all are going to visit anyway, right!? right?!! Just in case you're interested, here's some photos to keep the TMI alive! *DISCLAIMER, I AM NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER, OVBI.

^A few pics of the dining room. We love that chandelier 

^ A pic of the kitchen. Well, really only half of it but I can't figure out how to capture all of it.

^ The living room/game table area. This is really just one huge open room.

 ^ This is the master bedroom. 

^ These are the children's bedrooms. 

Nico's dinosaur theme up top and Selah's Cat in the Hat meets Elsa theme.

Moving on to the more personal...

• I cannot believe how hard life is without people to laugh with, complain to, mommy with, drink and distract and divulge the good and the bad alongside every day, if needed. It amazes me how people function in this world all alone. 
• The thing about having no friends is that I'm forced to spend a ton of time with my husband. I'm not going to lie, I wanted to kill him for a few months. It was like we were in detox to all the distractions of relationships and forgot how to just BE with each other. I'm by no means saying I don't still want to kill him at times (haha), but it is getting a little easier and more comfortable. I'm also getting better at being alone. 
• Last weekend we were in Miami, as I'm sure you saw splattered on all my other social media sites. One of the many perks of Michael's job is his random, usually warm-weathered conferences that welcomes me to tag along!
  
   While he was in his meetings, I spent some wonderful time by myself. I went to a museum, had lunch, walked around, took UBER, read, ordered cocktails and was simply at peace with myself, by myself.
  
  This may sound weird but I could never have done that two years ago and certainly not in Pittsburgh. I'm telling you, there is something seriously life-changing about moving away from the hometown, especially when the hometown is such a small-town city. (Pittsburgh = 2 degrees of separation) 
• I do miss Pittsburgh though. I'm wondering when I'll start answering "northern Virginia" when asked where I am from. It's been sort of funny. Michael promptly says Virginia and I say Pittsburgh when we're both asked. The person asking the question is obviously rather confused.   Sometimes we don't even bother to clarify. 
• I have always been rather confused by the concept, "when do you get to call yourself..." - a builder, a blogger, a musician, a mechanic, a local, etc. I tend to shy on the side of conservative, lest I seem braggy or egotistical. I mean, there is nothing I dislike more than people who claim things that aren't true about themselves. "I'm a photographer," when they just take pictures of their children. "I'm a musician," when they just strum a few songs on the guitar. "I'm a singer," when they just sing in their church choir. "I'm a local," when they just moved to the area. All this to say, I'm not a Virginian. Or a Pittsburgher anymore. I feel a little homeless still and I'm not sure when that will go away but I do know...I am exactly where I need to be, for now. And for now, that's enough. 

Signing off. Thanks for following my randoms. I'll try to update before June! :)
(and btw, this is for you two, Nikki & Amanda, cuz you asked.) 

19 Kids & Counting - Their Rights, Our rights

I have an on and off again fascination with 19 Kids and Counting. Sometimes, I watch them in total dismay and am somewhat entertained by the absurdity of their gender roles, dating rituals and narrow worldview. Other times, it makes me sad because having also gown up Baptist, I understand the kind invasive condemnation, fear mongering and cult-like oppression that so often goes hand in hand with conservative evangelicalism.

But I also have a respect for principles lived out, in flesh and blood, even when it’s inconvenient or unpopular. I admire the laughter and sibling comradely that is apparent among all 19 of them, and it seems to me that Jim Bob and Michelle have a loving marriage that has somehow stood the test of time – so many children – and all the comes with that.

I also understand that some of their more radical, deeply ingrained beliefs come from a long history of exclusive doctrine and a very literal, biblical worldview. They live what they believe and are not shy about it. It’s a large part of why they’re on television in the first place.

Why anyone was remotely surprised or suddenly upset because they specifically vocalized their “biblical stance” and personal beliefs regarding homosexuality, the transgender community and gay marriage is simply, baffling. What in the hell did America expect? Almost anyone who watches the show does so with an odd mix of confusion, preposterousness and fascination. Nothing about them is “normal.”

What makes me sad isn’t so much that they disagree with the homosexual lifestyle; that was obvious after episode 1. Instead, what I find somewhat appalling is the reaction of so many people signing forms and speaking hate and threatening a network because these people executed their 1st amendment right to speak freely and uphold their constitutional right to their beliefs. Furthermore, TLC’s right to broadcast human beings in their natural element, is just that – the`y’re right. Our right is choice - to watch or not watch the show.  

I don’t agree with them. I passionately don’t. But I find it wrong that the work we do for equality, liberty and justice should only be for those we agree with. Hasn’t that been the motto of the LGBT community? People that are different are still people, worthy of respect - free, in a free country - to pursue happiness.

I have another secret; I sometimes watch the Kardashians. And I don’t agree with a TON of what those girls do, starting with Mom K herself.  I associate with no one who agrees in totality with the Kardashian message. But leaked sex videos, rampant divorces, naked Kim photos and a total disrespect for authority is E!’s right to broadcast.

It’s impossible to find two more different families on reality television today –Kardashians/Duggars. Both offend different subsets of American culture and both upset the moral compass of the liberal/conservative coin. But their right to be who they are, a network’s right to film within the guidelines of the FCC and our right to partake in their media presence or not is what makes me happy to live in this country.

I don’t want the gay communities rights threatened. And I don’t want all the evangelicals silenced either. We cannot as a society keep doing this picking and choosing of freedom according to our worldview.

A lot of people died in vain if this is what it comes to.

We always go too far.

These extremes are unhealthy. And pointless. Real people are really hurting all over the world yet we live in glass houses hypocritically throwing pebbles.

Can we just, stop? 

Drinking Sand & Confirmation Bias

It couldn't be more ironic as well as appropriate that I am writing this on election day, where so many confusing issues lie on the table, covered by a biased media and promoted by mud-slinging canidates (who "approve this message"). With such loud and divergent voices presenting their angle as the truth, how do you differentiate propaganda from the truth? Is anything absolute? 

Just yesterday I felt absolutely impassioned to comment on a few posts concerning this whole Sara Palinism nonsense that "Obama hates stay at home moms." I'm convinced, because I asked, that most of the people who seemed outraged by this concept didn't listen or read the entirety of his speech. The right-wing extreme, far too willing to jump on any perceived flaw in this American president, often without checking facts, took President Obama's statement, That's (stay at home motherhood) not a choice we want Americans to make totally out of context and lambasted him as anti-SHM without reading the entirety of his speech. OR just thinking through it. I mean, do we REALLY think Obama hates SHM so much that he went out of his way on a cool, October day in Rhode Island to bash moms? Or could there possibly be something he was saying about stay at home motherhood that affects us women, who by the way, make up more than half of the American workforce? 

What Obama was actually talking about was Moms, leaving the workplace to stay home with the kids, which then leaves her earning a lower wage for the rest of her life as a result. THAT'S not a CHOICE we want Americans to make because we don't offer adequate preschools, childcare options or appropriate paid leave. The context was all about how we as a society can give women more choices beyond to stay home or not stay home, without the emotional and financial pressure and hardship that comes with having babies in America. This administration believes women shouldn't be forced out of the workforce because they have babies; that women shouldn't have to choose between babies or a career. 

Most women I know agree with the President on this, on both sides of the political fence. 

But a lot of moms were raging yesterday about this (misconstrued) notion that Obama hates them. 

Why? Because they hate Obama and someone told them he said this. Blind outrage. Context be damned. It's what they wanted to hear and it's called confirmation bias.

It reminds me of a quote in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, Indeed it is a strange-disposed time; But men may construe things after their fashion, clean from the purpose of the things themselves. (I.III.33-35)  We the people can be crazy. Because we want to hear what we want to hear, whether or not it's rational. We believe lies because it's easier than reading a fact that undermines our preexisting beliefs. We see what we want to see and ignore what we don't want to deal with. We construe whatever we need to feel empowered that day, to feel safe and in control. 

Like President Andrew Shepard said in The American President, People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference.

I guess my question today is, do we know the difference? How do we know we aren't drinking water but rather sand when history has so often proven us capable of deluding ourselves? 

Back in the 1800's when slavery was legal and practiced by "God-fearing" people, their truth was that God had ordained and approved slavery. They took one or two verses from the Bible, out of context, in order to prove their "rightness." German citizens during the Nazi Regime, living a mile or less from Auschwitz, denied their knowledge of the Holocaust, dismissing Nazi words as just rhetoric and the smell of rotting corpses or crematoria as the cost of war. Churches divide and attack one another over the issue of homosexuality, conveniently ignoring other Levitical law. Left and Right wing political parties sell themselves with propaganda and prey on public emotion, and the American public unthinkingly reposts and retweets.

We believe what we want to believe. 

I've mentioned this a few times. The past 15 months (and counting) have been very, very difficult for me. One of the tragic, beautiful, frightening and necessary reasons behind this difficulty is the confrontation between what I desired to be truth and actual reality. Stepping outside of the safety of my construed political, relational world and faith views has shaken the foundation of my life. I know why people believe what they want to believe. It's so much easier to drink the sand and pretend it's water. Discernment takes effort, research, thought, tears, work, pain and constant intentionality. It takes flexibility. And the real kicker is, we never get there fully. The constant seeking is exhausting. 

So is it worth it? 

I think once you realize you've been drinking sand, it's hard to keep forcing the mirage. Accepting the complexity of reality takes time. The questioning begins - about why we ever construed this and that the ways in which we did in the first place. It's a lot of self-work to un-believe. And it takes tons of stamina to stay unbuilt and remain fluid, not believing what we WANT to believe but believing discerned, researched, thought-over, meditated in, cared-for, sensical and responsible truth. 

Is it worth it? Yes, I think it is. Our world, our country, our communities, our friends and families and marriages and children deserve the outcome of seeking and the humility of refraining from drinking anything less than real water. This is the gift of pursued truth, a witness to our belief in the meaning and dignity of justice and accountability and progress. Today let's stop sticking our heads in the sand and saying it's water. Let's face the often scary desert of life and politics and finances and relationships and search for pure-cold-real water, lest we return to the sad, toxic mirage and drink the sand.

Randoms (14) The Move Edition

• We moved. Michael started a job at American Petroleum Institute last week and just loves his new job. Washington DC is a crazy, busy, chaotic, well-oiled machine. After searching for places to live for a few months while we catch our breath and learn our surroundings, we decided to live just outside of DC. 
  
• We moved to Wheaton (Silver Spring), Maryland. We live in a tiny 2BR, 2BA apartment right above the Wheaton Metro, making Michael's commute that much easier - about 40 minutes on the Metro with a little bit of walking to API. 
  
• The kids started preschool at a local Jewish learning center this morning and seemed to settle in nicely. It was just simply time of them to spread their little wings and fly for a few hours a morning. 
  
• And boy was I ready for that too. 
  
• I started a new job, while I keep cityflicker Freelance on the side. I'm officially a Content Strategist for a small PR firm in Virginia, requiring lots of remote work and a few hours a week in the office. I'm just starting the position this week, but I'm hopeful I will be an asset as I learn and grow in my role. 
  
• After working a week, Michael leaves this afternoon for a conference in Houston. He's excited. 
  

Now for the how it's REALLY going!

• It's HARD. So much harder than I thought. These two weeks have really tested me as a mom and a wife and a person. I'm amazed at how change can just rock identity. But somehow it has. Asking questions about who I am outside of friends, family, church, community, area-awareness, etc. becomes exhausting and usually pretty impossible to answer. 
• I am learning to give myself a little grace - to fail and then try again. For instance, today I dropped the kids off at preschool and had some work to do. I wanted a cozy spot at a local Starbucks but the closest one is inside the Safeway. So I google mapped another one and drove a few miles to get there, only to realize that it was just a drive through one. So I googled another one, went inside with my notebook and laptop and, it was full to capacity. Not a seat in the entire joint. I'm not going to lie, I went back to the car and cried a little. Because I didn't know where to go. And I'm directionally impaired in general in life so this is just that much more frustrating. 
• It wasn't just the Starbucks location (just ended up at the one inside Safeway), it's sort of everything. Everything is new and confusing and I have to map it all just to get anywhere. I feel lost a little - usually because I am. 
• Michael keeps telling me to give it some time. And that's what I'm trying to do. Have grace for myself and keep trying. I'm sure I'll adjust. I always have before but, can I just say?, I miss some of the predictability and the safety of really knowing Pittsburgh and its suburbs.  
• And I miss my friends. Somehow just knowing that I could grab a drink with someone after a bad day, comforted me and helped me through even the worst of mommy days. 
• On the positive - I am so happy for this opportunity. It's what we worked for all those long days and nights of tiny babies and grad school and then the post-grad school trying and waiting. It's really, really what we always hoped and suspected would happen. So in some ways, DC was always "the thing." When you get "the thing," it can feel surreal. And it does a bit. 
• The children seem to really like it here, especially the Metro. I don't know why, but they're playing together so much more. Funny games of dinosaur and candyland and "you be the mommy and i'll be the baby kitty" type of things. They're growing and seem to have not really had a huge adjustment period. 
• There is so much opportunity here for us as a family - places to visit, groups to join, churches to try, work opportunties. It's almost overwhelming but at least there is little reason to ever be bored. 
• We got a weekly babysitter (every Saturday night) for a few hours. And I cannot WAIT to begin our foodie adventure. The options are endless and amazing. This is a great food town. 
• The diversity is incredible. Here in Wheaton, there are tons of ethnicities represented, languages being spoken, music being blasted and people just being unique and different. The world is here, next door and down the street, at preschool and inside churches. I love it. 

Signing off until next time. Thanks for following my randoms.

Ever Up And Onward

In a few weeks we will be relocating to Washington D.C. Michael accepted a position with the American Petroleum Institute as a Customs and Accounting Advisor.

We have NO IDEA yet where we are going to live, where the kids will go to school, where I will work and so on! Ya know, no big deal. (deep breathes!) But it's a wonderful opportunity and despite the stress and major upcoming decisions, it sits well with us.

It's been the craziest year. 

Lots of moves, struggles, climbing up and climbing through what felt like endless mountains, obstacles and traps. I imagined this move would have happened years ago but as fate would have it, the time is now.  

We climb on.

New adventures are amazing! And terrifying. We move forward together as a family, walking this journey - challenged and hopeful - inspired by a city we have yet to discover, friends we have yet to meet, work we have yet to accomplish, lessons we have yet to learn and memories yet to be made.

We'll be having a few farewell get-togethers in the near future for our fellow Pittsburghers, so pay attention to Facebook. We'd love to say our goodbye's in person. But it's really just a see-ya-later. After all, it's four hours away, we'll be home for the holidays, and I expect visitors! (wherever we end up)

Ever up and onward - Billy Strayhorn

Why We Need To Stop Saying, "No Church Is Perfect."

No kidding, no church is perfect. I fail to understand exactly why that's the first thing church members say regarding church failure (abuse, neglect, judgement, hate, fear-mongering and the like).

Let me be clear, there is no substitute for healthy confrontation and direct communication. It's always important for each individual to confront personal or witnessed abuse.

Presuming these matters have been confronted and then in response, ignored (as happens far too often), here are five reasons I PERSONALLY dislike hearing this phrase in response to church-perpetuated injustice and why I think Christians need to stop handing it out like a candy-antidote to poison.

______________________________________

1. It's belittling and dismissive.  Aren't we all well-acquainted with human frailty and imperfection? Truly, there isn't a person on this planet who doesn't understand that pain and abuse are rampant. The news is full of horrible suffering at the hands of other people. Clearly, humans are capable of tremendous failure. It's belittling to assume we don't understand that.

Secondly, it makes an assumption that what's been witnessed is not fully relevant because it wasn't witnessed by everyone. It dismisses personal experience and takes away credibility - it questions the integrity of the person who has witnessed or experienced the hurt, disqualifying their ability to discern injustice.

2. It's an excuse to hide behind. If you've ever questioned God, faith or suffering, you've probably been handed a few cliché responses to that pain and doubt. Things like, "All good things work together for good," and "God won't give you more than you can handle," and my all-time favorite, "The Lord must have a special plan for you because Satan is really attacking you." I think we accept those responses sometimes because they're Scriptural or can be interpreted from certain stories in Scripture. Some are well outside of context and wildly misused, but they're still there. In the Bible.

But "No church is perfect?," is not Scripture. Jesus was about calling out bullshit churchy responses and setting people on a radical path toward unity, goodness, compassion and justice. He didn't allow His disciples to make excuses for themselves.  In response to injustices committed by the Pharisees - the church leadership of His day - He didn't explain it away with, "No Temple is perfect." He didn't let injustice perpetuate without confrontation and an invitation to change. He then instructed His disciples to leave a town if their radical message of Love was not received. 

3. It's #sorrynotsorry and skirts around the real issues. I had a close friend who was accustom to apologizig as a form of escape. Boy, an "I'm sorry" can really shut down a conversation and therefor the ability to work through an offense and grow the relationship. After a while, after the perpetuation of the offense, I stopped accepting the apology and we'd really dig in and talk. Because saying sorry isn't a true apology if the real issues aren't worked through.

"No church is perfect," is a blanket statement, a #sorrynotsorry avoidance and I'm convinced that the people who say this frequently, are trying desperately to overlook the pain themselves. (I know. I've been there.) It's an avoidance of the situation and never really digs in and deals with the root of the problem. "Sorry" with no goal of standing in the gap or struggling for reconciliation or invoking change isn't helpful. It stifles conversation, Christian community, transparency, trust and goes against everything Jesus told us to do and be for one another. It's relational suicide.

4. It's guilt-driven. If you really think about it, the statement is set up to accuse the wounded of being judgmental. Like somehow if a person takes issue with being hurt or witnessing injustices and decides to leave their church for said reasons (after confronting the offender and striving for reconciliation - only to be further marginalized), this phrase accuses them of unrighteously judging.

It plays on the heartstrings of the boundary-less and promotes duty over freedom. It seems like a bad idea to fill a church with the obligated abused, but that's exactly what this statement promotes. It lends itself to false-humility, fake-apologies and fucked-up theology.

5. It's sort of like rape culture. When "no church is perfect" becomes part of the DNA of a church member's consistent language they become part of the injustice. Remember when Jesus flipped out in the Temple and turned over some tables? He hated that people were abusing their power and robbing the poor of money and their rights to freely worship. He kicked out the sellers but he ALSO KICKED OUT THE BUYERS. Because when we enable people to commit injustices, to us and others, we become the buyers. Buying into a church culture that abuses its power and frequently hurts people, is an assault on all Jesus told us to model and be for one another.

Hiding behind *shrug* "no church is perfect," communicates a powerless Christ, an absentee Holy Spirit and a will-lessness among the church. It's saying that people can't really help themselves, so they sin. They assault other people with words and actions and the wounded are supposed to just ignore, self-blame or overlook in the name of well, we're all sinners!! This is rape culture; *shrug* "boys will be boys." Implying they can't really help themselves, so they rape. They assault other people with words and actions and the wounded are supposed to just ignore, self-blame or overlook. If that's not the farthest thing from what Jesus wants us to be to and for one another, I don't know what is.

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I do know this to be true. Most of the people I know who have left church, and then either seriously questioned their faith or walked away entirely, have done so because of one or all of these five issues. Furthermore, I don't think anyone even WANTS to go to a perfect church (because then we'd be the only sinners, and how boring, I mean, awkward would that be?). But I do really believe that people want to belong to a community that radically loves and takes responsibility and acts as a living organism that calls and adapts to healthy, life-giving change. No one wants to be belittled, excused, avoided, guilted or have their pain marginalized.

I really, really want Christians to stop saying this. Because it really, really makes me want to walk away. If you've found yourself saying this about your church (which I did for many years), please dig a little deeper. Ask the questions. Confront the situation.

Let's not be Buyers.

On Behalf of Suicide

I think we're all pretty blown away at the death by suicide of Robin Williams. How a person so contagious and so hilarious - filled with wonder and amusement could end his life - is beyond comprehension. Now we grieve, speculate and eventually some will accuse him of selfishness. It's hard to understand how such talented joy could ever feel such terrible sorrow. It just doesn't make sense. How could he take himself from us?

Sometimes there is harsh reality to the unspoken life - the sorrows unseen, the joys robbed by tragedy, addiction, abuse and chemical imbalances to name a few.

We're so public these days, with our instagrams and tweets, status updates and smiley selfies. The life we portray on camera can be such a far cry from reality. I have a friend who does something called, #showyourreal. It's an amazing concept. But sometimes I wonder as I follow along, if anybody really is, showing their real? Cuz let's be honest, when reality hits bottom, who the hell really WANTS to read a person's dark night of the soul and sleepless struggles?

We live in a culture of fake and sometimes the life we lead in public, is miles away from the truth of our hearts. It's a mistake to assume otherwise. Another mistake is to assume that Robin Williams, or anyone who has attempted or committed suicide, has implicitly done so as a decision to leave loved ones broken and spiraling. I don't think it's as selfish as we accuse it to be. 

We've all heard it; suicide is the single most selfish act a person can commit. But what I know about it is that sometimes, it's meant to be selfless. It's meant to protect. 

It was April 4, 1996, a month before my sweet sixteen, that I slit my wrists in my bathroom. The two hours of hell prior to that decision, and well, some parts of the 15 years leading up actually, were some of the bleakest. When all you see of yourself is the ability to hurt people and induce darkness, it's hard to find hope. It can be nearly impossible to see light. Very few people want to be around a sinking ship and so isolation and depression take root. 

For me (and those who've kindly shared their stories with me), suicide wasn't about trying to punish people, to die for personal benefit or gain. There comes a point when it's absolutely possible to believe that the world would be better without you. That family and friends would finally have peace without your presence; that you are so bad, so irreparable, that taking your life somehow seems a beautiful sacrifice. 

I can't explain it; deep depression un-dealt with is like gravity. It exists regardless of understanding or acknowledgment - insight or even desire. And it can pull anyone under and deceive even the steeliest of wills. Suicide therefore, is often MEANT to be selfless, to protect the world from the destruction and pain caused by that depression - a person in the midst of grieving tragedy, addiction, abuse or chemical imbalances can be hard to walk alongside.

I just want to say today that before we speculate and judge, before we call Mr. Williams selfish and shake our heads in confused judgment, can we try to see another side? He wasn't able to show his real; some people's stories are extremely personal and profoundly painful. Let's just be gentle with his life and with one another because right behind that hilarious joke, lip-stick covered smile or social butterflied persona lies a person with a history. A story. Real pain and radical significance. 

Let's love one another, especially those struggling in the darkness.

If you or anyone is struggling with suicide or depression - no matter what problems you are dealing with -  Lifeline will help you find a reason to keep living. Call 1.800.273.TALK. You are worth it. We all are! - http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Carrying Your Cross & The Myth of Meds

I think we all know those people who martyr. In small and big ways, they take on more than they should, seeking attention through false humility. These types of people are hard to be around in large doses because their anxiety and whoa-is-me/anything for you spiels are obviously suspect.

The evangelical church produces some of the worst of these types of people. I think it's because the concept of carrying your cross is wildly misunderstood. Somehow, this pervasive idea that following Jesus "well" equates chronic suffering and misery has eroded other, higher ideals like Love, Joy, Peace and just generally NOT acting like an asshole.

One danger I've observed in these misguided arenas of martyrdom and cross-carry is the denial of the very real existence of things like depression, anxiety and chemical/mental/emotional imbalances. Somehow, we've taken the Marilla/Anne of Green Gables, "to despair is to turn your back on God" quote as Gospel Truth. We've believed that deep grief should not be medicated lest we miss out on the blessing of our personal Gethsemane. We think mental illness is demonic and the antidote for these struggles is more faith and some thicker boot-straps.

Over ten years ago I was dealing with some personal stuff (shocking, i know!) and it was suggested that I start a mild-anxiety pill by my counselor. I was outraged, humiliated and totally confused as to why this Christian would suggest such a thing. After all, some of my anxiety came from poor life choices. Shouldn't I walk out my salvation, painfully? Isn't this part of the penance, I mean, repentance process?

I've come a long way since then and I've busted this myth of meds! I've come a long way this year, in fact. I've realized that the use of anxiety and depression meds boils down to pride vs. potential. I wouldn't go on a long night-hike without boots and a flashlight, just to prove I could. And more severely (because sometimes it IS), I wouldn't get heart surgery without anesthesia just to see if it were possible to go through it and live. Pride tries to prove something for the sake of martyred attention. Potential speaks to the hope of a full life.

Part of my current journey is admitting my need for boots - humbly accepting the tools needed in order to go on what may be a long hike up cliffs of confusion, through deserts of despair and across fields of failure. So for the sake of my potential, I recently went on some mild medications to help deal with my circumstantial depression and anxiety; it's helping.

The journey is long; longer than I realized and the path is as unclear as finding a pin on the floor in the dark. But now I have boots and a flashlight, and absolutely no Christian guilt. The burden is easier. And getting lighter.






Taking some inspiration from my girl, Tori Amos. Enjoy: Crucify.

Just Like When the Cat Died & Saying Goodbye

We just said goodbye to really good friends, one of which has personally seen me through a decade of life. Dear friends, that have walked us through marriage and babies and this past excruciating year of loss and heartache. I am happy for their new beginning and the adventure that awaits them but the process has been brutal, even though packing their truck and cleaning their house were simple (but sweaty) projects. It's the matters of heart that have a way of inducing exhasution. It's stuffing tears while trying to engage each last moment that takes its tool. 

I wake up today, without the torture of pending goodbyes but with an empty space I'm not sure how to fill. At the goodbye dinner, otherwise known to me as The Last Supper, my friend's mom had a complete breakdown and through tears and little comic relief, started talking about how this was JUST like when the cat died.

I couldn't help by stifle a giggle at the oddity of the comparison, but what she said gave me tremendous insight into my own sadness. She said that when her cat died, there was a lot of turmoil and grief in other aspects of her life. Turmoil and grief that hadn't quite been processed or resolved or fully healed. In that place of un-dealt-with sorrow, the death of the cat became an epically emotional moment. 

It was one more loss. 

Even if it was an old cat.

My friend's move is much more than a long-distance complication. It's not just the end of an era or a sad goodbye. For me, it's the cat dying - un-processed grief. It's one more loss. 

Uncontrollable public(ish) sobbing isn't my regular M.O. But grief doesn't seem to give a shit about running mascara or embarrassing sobbing sounds. If permitted, grief will roll out, on and over, every proper public persona and onto whoever and whatever it can.  Grief is leaky. And sometimes inappropriately epically emotional.

But it's a choice. Engaging is always a choice. So today, I sit in the sadness. And for once, I'll feel it without anesthetizing or dissociating. My friends are worth feeling for - they're worth rejoicing in and grieving over. I don't want to drown in a waterfall tomorrow what I am capable of bathing in today. I'm tired of giving dead cats more tears than they deserve.   

So today sucks. And I'm going to sit here for a while, in it. And just be. Sad.

And think about buying a cat.