- Yesterday at church, I sang one of my favorite worship songs with 9 women, 8 of us were mothers & daughters. My mom and I haven't sung together (karaoke doesn't really count) since our tiny Baptist church when I was 17. It was an honor. It was a lot of fun. The entire experience was beautiful & redemptive. I love that my mom has become a very close friend. Over the years we have been through our ups and downs. I'm glad we both have persevered through those difficult times & found our voice, a way to speak to one another in truth & love.
- Nico is potty training & doing quite well. I've been dreading this mothering-must-do for some time now but luckily, he was ready & transitioned quickly. I will say though, this process has found me saying the oddest things. Like, "Don't pee on Thomas the Train. He won't like it." &, "Why is there urine in this mixing bowl?" & my all-time favorite, "Yes, that's right. Poopie is yucky & gross & you can't eat it."
Mothering Nico has been really awesome lately. Not that he's perfect or even well behaved all the time but he says the funniest things, with hand gestures & facial expressions that are priceless. He loves his trains & trucks & neighborhood doggies. He loves "his" worship music & his shrimp & kale. Sometimes it catches me by surprise how quickly his world is being shaped. His view of self & family & God & church & friendships are rapidly growing & ever-changing. He takes time out of his day to ponder his great world & reflect & discuss his happenings. He's truly thinking. & he's quite bright. There isn't a lot he misses. I find this exciting & terrifying. - Selah has grown from being a sweet, go-with-the-flow kinda early toddler to a wild bunny. Sometimes we look at her & joke about the fact that she looks and is acting more feral than human. Her hair is crazy curly & streaked from the sun. Her eyes are a dancing blue - dark shades of deep mixed with water colored specks of mischief. Her eyes probably speak volumes about her personality. This girl is really something. Special. Beautiful. Captivating. Now if I could only figure out how to get her to come when I call her...
- I'm reading a book called Beautiful Outlaw. It's taking me a long time to get through it because every page has challenged me to think, or more accurately, re-think what I already "know" about this Man, this Savior that I believe, seek & follow. The book confronts some of the ways I'm accustom to relating to Jesus but it's not anti-church, necessarily. It comes at a good time for me. Me, who makes too much of institutions & leadership & systems. Will I never stop building idols?
- I've been making some slow changes lately & it's awkward. From budgets to lifestyle choices to refocusing areas that I've been emotionally loose & practically sloppy in. Knowledge is power. I believe that. But knowledge doesn't always feel powerful in the moment. Knowledge is really only powerful if, in the new sight, changes are made. It does me no good to keep living like I'm blind, once I've seen the light. It does a world of good to know this reality & adjust accordingly. Setting new boundaries is hard & sometimes leads me to more questions than answers. But all things change. I don't want my finances, relationships or goals to go unmeasured or unevaluated. I never want to live in statuesque just because I was afraid. To change.
- I had been entertaining a potential job for the past two months. After lots of time and energy, they decided they needed someone who could be extremely flexible. AKA, someone without children who could be wherever at a moments notice. I'm not bitter. I'm really not. I spent a lot of time thinking & praying and negotiating this potential. And when I pray for a closed door, & it closes, why would I become bitter? I believe it happened the way it was supposed to. Although, I would have been an amazing asset to their organization. I know that. They know that. & in my most raw humanity, I take it as a loss.
- My courtyard is fully bloomed, sans the sunflowers. I love spring/summer for this very reason. It's not just that it's colorful and smells fresh but it's the season for wonderful, emotionally-sustaining conversations. Surrounded by plants, flowers, friends, tikki torches & wine glasses, I am renewed.
Gotta run. Until next time...
