Faith Is Worth The Fight

This too shall pass

I wrote this poem many moons ago, but today it is heavy on my mind. It's been a little dark in my heart lately. A hope has left and I'm grappling with the vacillation between fatalistic surrender and the discipline of effort sustaining where faith has failed. Or alludes. Or needs redefined.

The band delirious? sang these lyrics in their song Obsession. It's been one of those stick-to-my-soul kind of lyrics since I first heard it a decade ago. I feel lonely without hope. I feel desperate without vision. Conjuring hope, vision, purpose - these are hard things to snap and create or re-create or re-create again. When nothing satisfies (credit that to the wonderful Jenn Knapp), when the soul is dry and thirsty (credit that to a Psalm of David), when the storm overpowers the lightness of day (credit to myself - as seen below), what can be done? Can personal effort really make change? How does a semi-(emotionally or spiritually) crippled person walk across a room for help, sustenance, redemption - a will to choose something (anything), when the heart is numb? When the future is blank? When the purpose in the pain is intangible? When all effort seems to be flailing about? Or failing.

I don't have answers, but I do have the Psalms. Passages full of meaning, depth, struggle - the GOD I'M FREAKING OUT...BUT kind of stuff. BUT. But. But you are Good. You are Love... This too shall Pass. Peace and direction and vision and purpose will be restored. Defined. Redefined. Rediscovered. Exile doesn't last forever. Beauty for Ashes. All things new.

In light of those age-old passages of struggling comfort, here is one of my own - my "modern day psalm." Today, I meditate on what it meant to my 22 year old self's confusion and angst and rough waters to write it. And what it means in the present. If it was true for me then, it will be true for me now.

A simplistic faith sustains. Faith is worth the fight.

This Too Shall Pass

The storm overpowers the lightness of day

In its consistent sleet of darkened memories

I know not when it began but I know its strength

I've been here before-it knows no boundaries.

In the murky shadows, near and in the distance

The cold breath of fear has its claws in my frozen heart

Unable to take shelter because of its enormity

Stuck and struck with its embrace, I cannot escape.

Then reality sets in and battle scars stand on edge

The wisdom from days gone by presents itself trusting

I draw from every place I know to find strength

The ability to keep walking, moving, standing

On the truth and in the light that darkness shall pass

I hold to the simplistic faith that sustains

And I fight. Because I've learned, from days spent drenched

Never to question in the dark what I knew to be true in the light.

C2003, Lindsay Louise Bachman

Randoms (10)

I have to get these things off my chest. They tickle my mind late at night and serve to distract me during the day. Sometimes it's the little lingering, unresolved thoughts that produce the most stress. At any rate... here are my "randoms," part ten.

• Selah, my second baby, turned one last week. We celebrated in the usual way - with a party, full of cousins and cake and pumpkin painting. It was a fall fest of sorts. I think the other children had more fun than she did. She seemed quite overwhelmed with the chaos (that's my girl!) and promptly got sick two days later, right in time for her actual birthday. But despite her nonchalant attitude about the party, Selah is usually quite pleasant and thrilled to engage people. She makes very hilarious sounds but doesn't say any real words. (I don't count dada because I'm not certain she knows what the word means!! Also, I'm holding out that mama will be her first real word.) Selah is a precious addition to our family. Precious!!! She is determined, efficient, beautiful and so quirky. She does very odd things that make us all giggle and adore her all over again. Daily, she captures my heart. We all melt in her presence. I'm so excited to see who she continues to grow and develop into in this coming new year of life.
• I continue to become more and more uncertain about our future here in Pittsburgh or in the least, I'm very much questioning whether or not things should continue as they are. (church, location, events, etc...) I don't know if it's the natural, preprogrammed, school days ideology that the season of fall equates change or if it's the job search Michael continues to explore in other states and countries that has me unsettled. Really? In truth, I simply just believe in my core that change is a-comin'. I've been saying it and sensing it for months and although I know I'm a bit crazy, I'm not often wrong about change. I smell it; like a shark smells blood. And it gives me a craving for the new, for the interruption, for the pursuit to organize the uncontrollable, a chance to face my fears. Masochistic, bored or really brilliant? We shall see.
• I got into an interesting discussion recently with an older couple while waiting for a friend to join me for happy hour. They were slightly mocking their friend who recently purchased a great camera, takes good pictures and now suddenly identifies himself a photographer. We talked a bit about the arts and how it can be quite complicated to know when it is appropriate to identify oneself as "an artist." (photographer, designer, writer, etc..) On one hand, I've taken some pretty awesome pics of my children. But I am not a photographer. On the other hand, I do write (fairly well? i hope.) but still cringe when introduced as someone who does so. It's a difficult and humbling thing to risk identifying oneself by a passion and yet, what else SHOULD we identify ourselves as? I am not the perfect Christian or Wife or Mother or Social Media Consultant but I still AM those things. I am not the most faithful blogger or the best writer, but I still DO.  When does DO become AM? When is it appropriate to identify ourselves by these things? I don't know; but I'm thinking through it. (And I would love your thoughts.)
• Speaking of happy hour(s), I need them. Often. Like once a week. On top of my intimate once a week Girls Night with my three best friends in Pittsburgh. I recently talked to an old friend across the state about how consuming parenting can be and encouraged her to get out once a week for coffee or drinks with a girlfriend. I really believe in getting out, especially as a SHM. It's what gives me hope in the monotony. It's not about the drinkS (solely), it's about the make-up and high heels and adult conversation. It's about being human. It can be so easy to lose yourself in the grind of anything. I'm careful not to. It takes intentionality, planning and budgeting but it's worth it. I'm so lucky to have a husband who agrees and does what it takes to support me in this.
• I recently had a CLOSET CRASH COURSE with a friend. You can read about it here. It was a wonderful experience and I'm finding myself getting more creative. She gave me some great pointers and hints but mostly, she gave me courage and confidence in my closet. I'm still not at "my perfect weight" (does that even exist??), but she showed me how to use what I have to be current and accessorize better. That makes me feel good, especially in the morning when I'm selecting what to wear (or not).
• My children get up at 7:15 most every morning. Instead of waiting for them to act as my alarm clock, I've been getting up at 7am for a quick shower, make-up and dress. Yes, I can do all of those things in about 15 minutes. I can't even begin to tell you how much better my days are going since I began this discipline. It also helps that the kid's outfits are set out the night before and milk cups and bottles are filled and waiting in the fridge. Some people would call this crazy. I think it's genius. Instead of reacting to the chaos of early morning children, I anticipate their needs and have it all as ready as possible. It's the difference between a frazzled and peaceful morning. It works for me, for us.  But this, this little kid stuff is still hard. Worthwhile and beautiful but hard.

Signing off...lots of love to you.