Randoms (3)

I have get these things off my chest. They tickle my mind late at night and serve to distract me during the day. Sometimes it's the little lingering, unresolved thoughts that produce the most stress. At any rate... here are my "randoms," part three.




• It's the warmest spring I've ever lived in, in Pittsburgh at least. I love it. But I'm secretly afraid of swarms of stink bugs and other crawly things that didn't die off over our warm winter. And also, I'm terrified it'll be over 100 degree every day in July and August. I guess we shall see!



• I hate fashion. And what I really mean is, why is fashion created for size 2 female figures when less than 5% of our population is a size 2? It makes me mad. And not in the, let's fight body image issues kind of way. I hate it because I can't wear anything super cool and trendy. Not only are the clothes designed for, well, NOT my body but I'm just the kind of person that is always missing something that completes a trendy outfit. I annoy myself. And so I shop at Old Navy and get 10 versions of the same shirt, basic colors, a few pants/shorts/skirts and call it a day. I don't know how else to shop. Shopping drives me insane.



• Michael told me to use our tax return for a new wardrobe. AS IF! I can think of 1,000 things I'd prefer over clothes. Like: Nico needs a booster chair, and a potty, and a puppy if I'm really honest. Selah doesn't need anything but I'm pretty sure she wants her teeth to come in. And I want my house painted and new courtyard furniture, and an endless supply of K-cups, and a pedicure. And a vacation. And a fully stocked bar at home.



• We never stock liquor in the house. And it's not because we have some issue with cocktails but I guess, it's sort of like an investment. And we don't have a "bar" to PUT the liquor should we fully stock. But I've been CRAVING spicy Bloody Mary's and Champaign and Dirty Martini's. After listening to my cocktail cravings for the 1ooth time, Michael brought home some vodka last week. It's been sitting in my freezer since, unopened.



• I'm just like that. I often want what I don't/can't/shouldn't have. Once I get it, I don't want it anymore. It's like why I don't eat more than one cookie after I've made them. I get over things pretty fast.



• So does Nico. He's always on to the next thing. Monday, he couldn't climb these sideways bars up to the second tier of the playground. Wednesday, he could. And now he's onto some other challenging adventure. I see myself in him; the self I was before "stuff" happened to change me into a slightly jaded, skeptical, boundary-conscience adult. He's a mighty man. Friendly, engaged in the world around him, goal oriented, physical, demanding but more laid back than I'd have expected. In his core, I believe he has a tremendous love for ALL people. He is inherently trusting. It scares me sometimes. Nico has captured my heart and inspires me to openness.



• And then there is Selah. For starters, she looks exactly like my mother. She loves music. She is loud and can project! And she adores me. ADORES ME. I am her world. And I don't think it's just that I give her milk the way she likes it (from the breast). Selah is specific about who she wants to be around. She only responds well to some people. She is an absolute joy and smiles 95% of the time but 5% of the time, LOOK OUT WORLD. The girl has a temper. And very few people can talk her off that ledge. She's fiery. She likes to be around people but she will only engage (smile, coo, play) a few. She is critical about it. She demands undivided attention and when she makes eye contact, you cannot look away. She is a thinker. In these ways, she is like Michael. She is stunning. I'm kind of amazed by her. She teaches me to be in the moment, fully in the moment.



• Michael has, dun dun dun, 25 days of grad school left. He takes his last final, on his birthday, April 17th. He has applied to jobs in Arizona, KS, MN, Washington state, CA, VI, GA, FL, NJ, Philly, Pittsburgh, WV and Kentucky. But mostly in DC. The job market sucks and it often feels like his applications are just lost in space, but we continue to hope for THAT job - the one we feel God has for him, in His perfect timing. We trust that He will "make a way for us in the desert and streams in the wasteland" (IS. 43:19). We remain open to wherever, but I'm getting restless in the wait. It's hard to plan and invest when a transplant and move is likely eminent.



• If we stay in Pittsburgh, I'm getting a pool pass this year. And getting painters for my house. And will bite the bullet and start researching pre-schools in the city. And, Michael and I are going to get away in the fall. Just us. We need it.



• When I look back over the past three and a half years, I'm in shock. I got married, had a miscarriage, got pregnant again, bought a house, had a baby, got pregnant 3 months later, had another baby, helped put Michael through grad school, worked, lost friends, gained friends, changed. I feel like at my very core, I'm a different person. My DNA is different. There is no going back.



• Onward and upward...

Signing Out.

I Think Therefore I Am: The Power of Will

Michael and I had friends over a month or so ago. We love conversation with this couple because they are smart and observant, and they enjoy a decent debate. They have a foundation of faith and an intelligent worldview that we find true comradery in. Somewhere in that time we were discussing will power - the ability to choose differently. Our friend pointed out that he really believes that “will” is a gift, that some people have more will power than others. He explained that it isn’t right or fair to measure others by our own abilities.

The concept surprised me. And I’ve thought about it frequently.

I’ve never considered myself someone who has a ton of will-power. But I have often explained much of my character around the concept of a strong-will. For some reason, because I haven’t always behaved in measured, calculated, or restrained ways, I’ve considered myself weak-willed with regard to consumption, as one example. I’m starting to realize that it was not by accident that I behaved (sometimes still behave) in unrestrained ways; it is choice. I don’t always WANT to be measured and controlled. I “will” my actions, even the unruly ones. I believe that this is how I’ve partaken in a lot of behaviors and never developed a full-blown addiction. I’m starting to realize that I am both strong-willed and have will-power. And, since this has not always been a concerted effort to “think, therefore I am,” I do believe I have been given a supernatural will. A gift, if you will? (pun intended)

January 2nd I started Weight Watchers. I’ve lost 25 points. It’s a matter of will. I run into a lot of people who say they want to diet. Most don’t actually follow through. It’s been something I’ve wondered about. And maybe even secretly judged. Just do it! See the results and keep up the effort. If I can do it, you can do it. I’m starting to realize that, maybe, this is an unfair judgment call.

But food IS something I have struggled with. And if I have ever teetered on the edge OF an addiction, it’s been with food. Sure, I’ve binged on alcohol, tobacco, TV shows, etc… but mostly socially and for small amounts of time, never without conviction. But food? Well, that’s something that has unclear boundaries. How much is too much? Eating for comfort – don’t we all do that? At what point do we cross over from enjoying sustenance to becoming gluttons? Unlike alcohol (when exactly do we become “drunk?"), there isn’t an immediate physical manifestation of our gluttony. It’s only over time that our gluttony manifests itself in cellulite and larger pant sizes. We all have to eat. But what we eat and how much we eat is a matter of knowing yourself. And in the end, it's a matter of will.

Despite my strong will, there are certain items I do not purchase. (And I never grocery shop hungry.) Potato chips. Little Debbie Oatmeal Cakes. Dannon yogurt. Icecream (unless pregnant!) And even though I know how disgusting it is, I do not go through the McDonalds drive thru, even for a soda, because I really struggle with french fries and Big Macs. When I’m trying to be weight conscious, I don’t go near these items. I can’t. I WILL myself to refrain, so not to test my will-power, or lack thereof.

Will-power and a strong-will are not the same, but they are very close cousins. And when used together, a person (or vision/purpose/desire) is virtually unstoppable. It’s like when your head and heart are in unity. It’s why love begins, and ends, with choice. There is profound power in will.

I am going to stop identifying myself as someone who doesn’t have will-power. Clearly I do. Clearly, I am capable of willing myself into smaller pant sizes, moderate food consumption, and so on. And because I know I can do that, I can change my tone. I have the power, given by God, to choose joy over drudgery. I can forgive, if I really WANT to. If I think, therefore I am (or at least on the path toward that evolution/sanctification), I am going to start thinking:

I want the mind of Christ.
I want to wear a bikini.
I want my words to be seasoned with grace and kindness and joy, along with discipline, intellect and truth

I am going to stop identifying my strong-will as a negative quality and start embracing the beauty, discipline, and power that this gift has. And if I see this quality in my children, I pray for the wisdom not to break their will, but cultivate and guide it toward rightness. I feel free now. I choose. I WILL. And I WILL continue.