My sister and mother threw my baby shower this past weekend. It was beautiful! Work also threw me a shower today. I feel very lucky to have so many wonderful women in my life who go the extra mile to bless me and my new little family.
The nursery is coming together! Tiny little clothes are washed and in drawers, diapers are stacked, bedding is here and the crib is set up.
All we need now is our son! 6.5 weeks to go.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
The Doldrums
I feel like I’m sitting on a ship, oh so close to my destination but completely unable to move. The wind has died, the sails are flat and there is absolutely nothing I can do to move ahead. I have done all I can, and still I sit.
Waiting. Waiting.
Waiting for the wind, waiting for something to happen…waiting for the birth of our son. Have I ever told you how much I hate waiting?
I am a planner - a person of action, a producer. I’m not used to relying on time to pass for things to happen and yet, here I sit. Pregnant with hope and anticipation and anxiousness, so close to land, to delivery, to our new life but not quite there; rendered useless in planning our arrival. His arrival.
New life, the new land we’re about to discover – the destination is so close and yet so far away. The land with baby - the life where I am not my own, or even my husband’s - the destination where I am mother. The life that I have dreamed of since I was a little girl is within reach but the ship has stopped.
Damn unpredictable wind.
I can’t wait. And yet it’s all I can do, day after day. I feel so useless.
Help me God, to be patient. Holy Spirit, breath on us.
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
- Coleridge
All in a hot and copper sky,
The bloody Sun, at noon,
Right up above the mast did stand,
No bigger than the Moon.
Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean
Waiting. Waiting.
Waiting for the wind, waiting for something to happen…waiting for the birth of our son. Have I ever told you how much I hate waiting?
I am a planner - a person of action, a producer. I’m not used to relying on time to pass for things to happen and yet, here I sit. Pregnant with hope and anticipation and anxiousness, so close to land, to delivery, to our new life but not quite there; rendered useless in planning our arrival. His arrival.
New life, the new land we’re about to discover – the destination is so close and yet so far away. The land with baby - the life where I am not my own, or even my husband’s - the destination where I am mother. The life that I have dreamed of since I was a little girl is within reach but the ship has stopped.
Damn unpredictable wind.
I can’t wait. And yet it’s all I can do, day after day. I feel so useless.
Help me God, to be patient. Holy Spirit, breath on us.
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
- Coleridge
All in a hot and copper sky,
The bloody Sun, at noon,
Right up above the mast did stand,
No bigger than the Moon.
Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean
Friday, June 4, 2010
Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, and Jesus
A friend sent me the first book in the Twilight series for my birthday. After the fifth page, I was consumed for two weeks until I finished the last in the series of four books. Very good read; even though it is, essentially, a teenage love story. I have a thing for vampires, the good ones at least, thus my obsession with CW’s, The Vampire Diaries. I honestly think it’s the best show on television, though I get a lot of slack for saying so. I think it’s the internal battle for morality that captivates me. I’m a sucker for good vs. evil. (pun intended)
Stefan in The Vampire Diaries, Edward in Twilight…the eternal struggle of doing right when nature calls to do wrong. It’s not a new story; it’s thee epic story – the story that most world religions are based upon. We all need redemption. We can abstain and fight our inherent sinful natures but in the end, nature usually overrides. A vampire’s natural tendency is to drink blood. My natural tendency is to sin, to covet and lie and steal. Abstinence isn’t enough. It is impossible to live sinless in this broken place. Perfect morality is unattainable.
Also, intricately intermingled in these teenage dramas are passionate love stories…Edward and Bella, Stefan and Elena – the lengths and heights they are all willing to go to love and be loved. They overcome legitimate fears and self-protection in order to fight for the one they love because they know what we all should know; love redeems even the most basic instincts and natural cravings. Love conquers all; always. If we let it.
The love affair that redeems humanity is Jesus. His sacrifice is what makes me clean and gives me hope for the future. God’s love story with the world is the great hope and true salvation. Like the “good vampires,” we can all try to be moral and live well but without the hope of glory, redeeming love, saving grace, we are doomed.
I’ve based my life on the concept; I’ve chosen to give my heart to the one who died on a cross so I could live. Not flawlessly, but following a path of honesty and seeking. I believe good wins, in the end. Love finds a way to redeem even the most hideous of human behaviors. Like Edward, like Stefan, the trying is the mark of good and while perfection is impossible, it’s the journey toward the light – in opposition to the darkness – that changes sinners into saints.
Stefan in The Vampire Diaries, Edward in Twilight…the eternal struggle of doing right when nature calls to do wrong. It’s not a new story; it’s thee epic story – the story that most world religions are based upon. We all need redemption. We can abstain and fight our inherent sinful natures but in the end, nature usually overrides. A vampire’s natural tendency is to drink blood. My natural tendency is to sin, to covet and lie and steal. Abstinence isn’t enough. It is impossible to live sinless in this broken place. Perfect morality is unattainable.
Also, intricately intermingled in these teenage dramas are passionate love stories…Edward and Bella, Stefan and Elena – the lengths and heights they are all willing to go to love and be loved. They overcome legitimate fears and self-protection in order to fight for the one they love because they know what we all should know; love redeems even the most basic instincts and natural cravings. Love conquers all; always. If we let it.
The love affair that redeems humanity is Jesus. His sacrifice is what makes me clean and gives me hope for the future. God’s love story with the world is the great hope and true salvation. Like the “good vampires,” we can all try to be moral and live well but without the hope of glory, redeeming love, saving grace, we are doomed.
I’ve based my life on the concept; I’ve chosen to give my heart to the one who died on a cross so I could live. Not flawlessly, but following a path of honesty and seeking. I believe good wins, in the end. Love finds a way to redeem even the most hideous of human behaviors. Like Edward, like Stefan, the trying is the mark of good and while perfection is impossible, it’s the journey toward the light – in opposition to the darkness – that changes sinners into saints.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
An Ode to My Twenties
I turn 30 in two days. May Day!
As I look over my twenties, I can’t help but smile, shake my head, and laugh. Ten years and ten thousand mistakes; ten years and ten million blessings. Even in the worst of times – the heartbreaks, disappointments, failures, losses and hardships I am thankful. I learned so much, more so from the difficult times than the good ones. I have no regrets.
I began my twenties in the year 2000. During the misconceived hysteria of Y2K I stood among what seemed like a sea of Chinese in Hong Kong to bring in the new millennium. In my 20’s I traveled to China, the Philippines and Spain; lived in Hawaii, Texas, Lancaster and Pittsburgh; moved 16 times; lived in 8 apartments, 3 houses and 3 dorms; worked 11 different jobs; went back to school as an older student; graduated college top of my class, dated a gazillion "wrong for me" boys; met and married the man of my dreams; got pregnant; and bought a house. I have partied and I have preached, I have loved and I have hated, I have struggled and I have forgiven. I have lived.
What I’ve learned in these ten years of adventure is that I am the sort of person who stubbornly refuses to live in the regret of ‘what-if’ so much so that it has cost me time, money, and probably a few relationships along the way. But I feel confident in this: that cost of living life to the fullest and falling on my face a thousand times, isn’t nearly as painful as living in a fearful bubble of never risking the unknown. With every risk and with every failure, I have grown more and more myself and more and more sure of the faithfulness of my Savior.
Onto a new chapter. 30!
As I look over my twenties, I can’t help but smile, shake my head, and laugh. Ten years and ten thousand mistakes; ten years and ten million blessings. Even in the worst of times – the heartbreaks, disappointments, failures, losses and hardships I am thankful. I learned so much, more so from the difficult times than the good ones. I have no regrets.
I began my twenties in the year 2000. During the misconceived hysteria of Y2K I stood among what seemed like a sea of Chinese in Hong Kong to bring in the new millennium. In my 20’s I traveled to China, the Philippines and Spain; lived in Hawaii, Texas, Lancaster and Pittsburgh; moved 16 times; lived in 8 apartments, 3 houses and 3 dorms; worked 11 different jobs; went back to school as an older student; graduated college top of my class, dated a gazillion "wrong for me" boys; met and married the man of my dreams; got pregnant; and bought a house. I have partied and I have preached, I have loved and I have hated, I have struggled and I have forgiven. I have lived.
What I’ve learned in these ten years of adventure is that I am the sort of person who stubbornly refuses to live in the regret of ‘what-if’ so much so that it has cost me time, money, and probably a few relationships along the way. But I feel confident in this: that cost of living life to the fullest and falling on my face a thousand times, isn’t nearly as painful as living in a fearful bubble of never risking the unknown. With every risk and with every failure, I have grown more and more myself and more and more sure of the faithfulness of my Savior.
Onto a new chapter. 30!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Finishing Well
There has been no greater example of finish well than the Apostle Paul. I am convinced that not just his extravagant obedience, the depths of his faith, or his boundary-less determination are responsible for his achievements, but also an amazing work ethic - his faithfulness in the little things. I suspect Paul had vigilant parents, people in his life who modeled what it meant to complete tasks thoroughly and completely, without complaining or side-stepping or making excuses. Paul may or may not have been a natural born leader, but Paul led by example and that made him revolutionary and meaningful. He held to his word and followed-through. Paul always finished well.
Sometimes it's hard to hear stories about the "founding fathers of our faith" and relate to them. In our western culture, persecution is not something presented to us to such horrific lengths as is was with Paul or Peter or Jesus. To be "tested" and proven somehow on the same page as Paul is useless at best. However, certainly there are areas in my life that test my endurance, try the depths of my faith, confront my selfish desires to quit, or prompt me to surrender the Kingdom. Even in the little stuff, sometimes life just gets monotonous and frustrating. Even without intense persecution, life is hard. Leadership is tough. Walking with Christ isn’t easy. The responsibility of being faithful in the little things can seem downright torturous.
Paul didn’t find happiness or hope in making tents for income, or confronting church friends with their sins, or getting mocked by his former colleagues (let alone suffering beatings). There were likely days he felt poured out and spent, tired and ready to just sleep or take a vacation from the work God had given him. No doubt, the mantle of leadership divinely laid on him and him alone got heavy. I’m sure despair and a desire to turn away from the call crossed his human heart on more than one occasion. I imagine it was the grace of God and Paul’s steadfast work ethic that held him faithful in the little things, that inevitably enabled him opportunity in the bigger things.
I keep circling around this concept as I near the end of my twenties, near the end of my pregnancy, and near the end of my career-focus, let alone what seems to be the end of some close friendships. I want to close chapters with integrity and open new ones with my head held high, able to focus on new beginnings without the distraction of regret or what-if's. I'm praying I finish well because I really believe, people who finish well - begin again well!
2 Timothy 4:6-8 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
Sometimes it's hard to hear stories about the "founding fathers of our faith" and relate to them. In our western culture, persecution is not something presented to us to such horrific lengths as is was with Paul or Peter or Jesus. To be "tested" and proven somehow on the same page as Paul is useless at best. However, certainly there are areas in my life that test my endurance, try the depths of my faith, confront my selfish desires to quit, or prompt me to surrender the Kingdom. Even in the little stuff, sometimes life just gets monotonous and frustrating. Even without intense persecution, life is hard. Leadership is tough. Walking with Christ isn’t easy. The responsibility of being faithful in the little things can seem downright torturous.
Paul didn’t find happiness or hope in making tents for income, or confronting church friends with their sins, or getting mocked by his former colleagues (let alone suffering beatings). There were likely days he felt poured out and spent, tired and ready to just sleep or take a vacation from the work God had given him. No doubt, the mantle of leadership divinely laid on him and him alone got heavy. I’m sure despair and a desire to turn away from the call crossed his human heart on more than one occasion. I imagine it was the grace of God and Paul’s steadfast work ethic that held him faithful in the little things, that inevitably enabled him opportunity in the bigger things.
I keep circling around this concept as I near the end of my twenties, near the end of my pregnancy, and near the end of my career-focus, let alone what seems to be the end of some close friendships. I want to close chapters with integrity and open new ones with my head held high, able to focus on new beginnings without the distraction of regret or what-if's. I'm praying I finish well because I really believe, people who finish well - begin again well!
2 Timothy 4:6-8 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Oh Boy, It's a Boy
We couldn't be more thrilled.
“Boys are found everywhere -- on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerate them, adults ignore them and Heaven protects them. A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair and the Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket.” - Alan Marshall Beck
“Boys are found everywhere -- on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerate them, adults ignore them and Heaven protects them. A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair and the Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket.” - Alan Marshall Beck
Monday, March 8, 2010
Little Christ
For Lent, I decided to read through the biblical Gospels. I’m always amazed at what I discover and re-discover as I sort though the four accounts of the life of Jesus. Every two or three years, I re-read the Gospels and they truly never cease to inspire and reform my belief systems.
Naturally, as I read, there comes conviction. The very words of Jesus are hard and often filled with the impossible, but even more than convicted, I find myself wondering if I really know Jesus in the way I thikn I know Him. Contrary to the popular belief that Jesus was a politically correct, constantly passive, sweet and timid man, He was, in fact, virtually the polar opposite. The Gospels are filled with His hard sayings, His confrontational agenda and His ever-so-blatant disdain for hypocrisy and injustice. Jesus was a radical. And while Jesus was full of love and compassion, He was also powerfully and wonderfully filled with confrontational truth that came to divide communities and conquer hearts of sin, changing them into the hearts of the saved.
The Jesus I sometimes try to make into a hippy is, in truth, a Mighty Warrior.
The Gospels, to me, confront passive Christianity. What I mean by passive Christianity is this sort of idea that holding a standard for yourself and other Believers is somehow mean-spirited and anti-Jesus. Accountability to moral standards, ethical business practices and a commitment to truth is what Jesus lived and died modeling and preaching. If we want to be like Him, we must realize that it’s not JUST about loving people and being “nice.” It’s about the hard sayings –the hard truths, the hard conversations, the tough love that sacrifices popularity and promotions and painlessness in order to live the way of the Cross.
It might be cliché, but I want to do the hard thing in life. I want to live like Jesus. It's impossible to do perfectly and painlessly, but the effort, we are told, far outweighs the temporary comforts of this world.
Naturally, as I read, there comes conviction. The very words of Jesus are hard and often filled with the impossible, but even more than convicted, I find myself wondering if I really know Jesus in the way I thikn I know Him. Contrary to the popular belief that Jesus was a politically correct, constantly passive, sweet and timid man, He was, in fact, virtually the polar opposite. The Gospels are filled with His hard sayings, His confrontational agenda and His ever-so-blatant disdain for hypocrisy and injustice. Jesus was a radical. And while Jesus was full of love and compassion, He was also powerfully and wonderfully filled with confrontational truth that came to divide communities and conquer hearts of sin, changing them into the hearts of the saved.
The Jesus I sometimes try to make into a hippy is, in truth, a Mighty Warrior.
The Gospels, to me, confront passive Christianity. What I mean by passive Christianity is this sort of idea that holding a standard for yourself and other Believers is somehow mean-spirited and anti-Jesus. Accountability to moral standards, ethical business practices and a commitment to truth is what Jesus lived and died modeling and preaching. If we want to be like Him, we must realize that it’s not JUST about loving people and being “nice.” It’s about the hard sayings –the hard truths, the hard conversations, the tough love that sacrifices popularity and promotions and painlessness in order to live the way of the Cross.
It might be cliché, but I want to do the hard thing in life. I want to live like Jesus. It's impossible to do perfectly and painlessly, but the effort, we are told, far outweighs the temporary comforts of this world.
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